Day 21 - How I Ended Up A Good Fit For This Job

So, I've wanted to throw out a post about how I developed the temperament to handle this position...I've definitely realized just by talking to people that this job isn't for everyone; Some of you would prefer working in a cubicle.

I find that to be insane...but whatever gets you up in the morning works for me...

However, that being said, I wasn't quite sure how to adequately explain my childhood...Being that I'm 25 I grew up in that weird period where technology was starting to boom but where I can still remember MTV playing videos and rocking out on the Original Nintendo...

As a kid I spent a LOT of time around my extended family...So at a young age I was listening to my uncle Dave's Run-DMC and 2 Live Crew cassettes...When the weather was nice, myself, my cousins and my sister would swing outside for some spirited games of Gutter Ball which basically consists of a free for all where people are trying to throw a racquetball off the roof and have it land in the gutter...

Again, it was early in the technology game and back before parents were buying their kids everything and anything to shut them up and ruin their attention span...

Anyways, one of the main culprits behind my personality with kids is my uncle Carlos who - to this day - is one of the funniest people I know...Seriously, how many of you had an uncle making up board games like "Escape from Prison" and "Back to Siberia" ??

The whole point of this post, though, was to just show you folks a little history...

This evening I was at my moms and I walked by a frame with a series of photos...Now, it's about time I come clean to everyone reading: I am related to the kids.

We're second cousins...the CEO is my first cousin...so I'm going to go ahead and post these photos as they were taken by my Uncle Carlos circa 1987-1989 and maybe, just maybe, you'll see why I ended up in a hair salon making the kids sit below a hair dryer with a magazine in front of their faces...

For the record, the photos feature - from left - my cousin Joe (the CEO's brother, my coworkers Uncle and the first "Mannyiac"), myself, my sister Tica, and The CEO...

Here's hoping you laugh...and no, I don't know why 2 are B&W and 2 are color...

Day 21 - Owen's Joke

Owen: "Ethan, I have a joke for you...I got a good joke...How does God give us skin on us?"

Ethan: "I don't know how God gives us skin...we have skin"

Silence ensues.

I'm thoroughly confused and waiting for the punch line...I don't think it's coming.

So I ask what the joke is...

V: "Owen, whats the rest of your joke?"

O: "That's all...

V: Puzzled look...

O: (Frustrated) "Victor, I said how does God give us skin?"

V: "Yeah, but whats the joke"

O: "That is the joke..."

Day 21 - The Brackets

OK "Mannyiacs," sorry for the post lapse...I know you're already worried about the upcoming vacation I will be taking so I didn't mean to send some of you head first into a bottle of Jack...

Today has been one of those days where the time has gone by really fast...We've been mixing it up...plus doing the bracket picks took FOREVER.

However, we finished and, truth be told, they aren't terrible...The kids somehow had the vision to prefer the mascots of the better teams.

Now, you might argue that this is because most of the "good" teams have athletic departments willing to hire marketing firms and high end mascot costume designers, thereby making them appear more likable or daunting...

I would say you might be right consider the Western Kentucky mascot is a red blob...



Either way, this was a fascinating experience...First off, I gave them just about every favorite except certain match ups where I thought the game could get interesting (EX: UCLA vs VCU)...Secondly, I chose a #2 seed to win...

I tried to push them in the right direction but, at a certain point, if they preferred the Arizona State Sun Devil mascot's picture over the more likely winner who am I to change the pick?

Despite having them make their selections one at a time, they all seemed to have certain mascots that resonated equally amongst the trio.

For instance, they all appreciated the mascots who appeared happy, silly, or approachable. Those that came right out looking mean were met with significant resistance. Furthermore, human mascots like West Virginia's didn't really strike a chord...and carrying around a gun didn't help the Mountaineer (or Xavier's Musketeer for that matter) rate too high on the "good guy" scale.

Duke got a LOT of love because their mascot looks pretty cool and much closer to a superhero than most mascots...that being said, years from now when Ethan & Owen read this they're going to be so ashamed of themselves...and I if I just alienated 3-5 readers from the Durham area, so be it. We're all going to be OK.

Owen & Ethan were big fans of the Kansas Jawhawk...I'm assuming Owen liked them the most since he has Kansas winning the title...Rock, Chalk, Jawhawk...

Anyways, here are each employee's Final Four - I'll either post the complete picks tomorrow or find a scanner and post our actual brackets...

Victor: Louisville, Memphis, Villanova, UNC (Memphis over UNC for the title)

Owen: Kansas, Memphis, Duke, Arizona State (Kansas over Arizona State)

Ethan: Louisville, Memphis, Duke, Syracuse (Louisville over Syracuse)...I like Ethan's bracket alot...(However, as soon as he finished picking and I told him I liked it he went to walk behind me right as I swung my hand out, clocking him in the eyebrow...Jokingly, I said he might look cool with a black eye - he won't have one, I barely got him but still it was a joke - and this has bothered him all afternoon...He's very concerned about the possibility of having to go to soccer practice looking like Rhianna...)

Summer: Louisville, UConn, Pitt, UNC (Clearly she took some chances by picking all four #1 seeds...On an unrelated note, if you bet $100 on all four #1's making the Final Four and it happened you would take home $2600...So, basically, this isn't very likely...Food for thought.)

With all that said, I'm going to color a Strawberry Shortcake picture...

Day 21 - The Stamp Maker

Before the CEO left he gave Summer her Hello Kitty stamp.

I was under the impression this would not be an issue because she calmly sat at the table stamping all over one piece of paper...

5 minutes later, she walks up to me with stamps covering her hands...one under each eye...

She looks like she's got tattoos everywhere...happy Hello Kitty tats...

Day 21 - The Start of Short Week 5

First of all, I'd like to welcome all of you to the greatest week of the year.

I'm not kidding...

For those of you unfamiliar with the shorts rule: Shorts are allowed starting Thursday...That's the rule - No Shorts until the start of the NCAA tournament. Mark my words...In my life, I've found that the first Thursday of the NCAA Tourney is RARELY a bad weather day...usually it looks like Jimmy V parted the clouds just for us...

So anyways, today we're going to do our brackets I hope...for those of you who voted for Summer to win our office pool...well, I've got a finger in the middle of my hand with your name on it.

As for the kids, they're all wearing cleats today and kicking soccer balls around...Apparently, today is the start of their soccer league...I can only imagine how ridiculous those games will appear.

I'll definitely go watch at least one and provide a stirring recap...For now, we're going to mix it up and draw some stuff.

Day 20 - The End of the First Month

Welp, in what has to be the fastest month possible I have completed 4 weeks of Manny Service...

I have to say, it's gone way better than I could have ever anticipated or imagined. This blog business has been pretty fun too...

Thank you to all of you who have come and read it...But now I'm going home...

Your friend,

Victor

Day 20 - It Keeps Getting Better

I'm drawing these two what they asked for...

In the background, I hear Owen start the chant:

"Let's go!"

And Ethan finishes it out

"HOKIES!"

They have done it a good 10-12 times.

I'm beyond proud right now...

[UPDATE: Ethan just said, "When daddy gets home I'm gonna ask him to put on the Go Hokies" which prompted Owen to ask me, "will the Go Hokies will be on later when Dada gets home?"

Unfortunately, I tell them I don't know when Tech will be back on TV...they say "Ohhhh" with a hint of sadness in their voices...I love this job.]

Day 20 - Lunch at Abuela's

So aside from being absolutely crushed by Virginia Tech's loss to UNC a moment ago...I have a lunch date to post about...

We went over to my Abuela's - or grandmother for the non-Hispanics - to eat picadillo, which doesn't look appealing but I promise is. If you wanted more proof, it happens to be what the kids requested...

Right about now, I should mention that I'm an idiot for not doing this more often. I imagine most of us have grandmothers like this but all the lady wanted to do was feed us. This was WAY better than eating a peanut butter & jelly or Chef Boyardee...

So I had the daily special (the picadillo) and the soup du jour (I have no clue what this was but it was good...alright, fine, this will reinforce stereotypes but there were red beans in it...happy?)

To top it all off, she had one of those mini Coca-Cola Originals for me (ice cold) and one of her specialty desserts - arroz con leche which, again, tastes better than it looks...

The rest of the time she kept squeezing the kids and asking them how to say words in Spanish while I watched the first half of the Tech game. All in all, this has been a dynamite Friday.

Back in a bit...Owen wants me to draw him a Hokie Bird (as I smile mischievously knowing this is killing their UVA-fan father...) and Ethan wants a drum set because he was incredibly disappointed with how boring and small a harmonica looked when drawn...

Day 20 - Getting The Hair Did

So our company trip to the hair salon went pretty well...The coworkers were in great spirits and they were definitely well behaved...

Ethan & Owen look much older right now...Summer has a bunch of curls in her head so she's looking very pretty...

Not one complaint. No tears. Everyone got a lollipop. Summer also apparently loves old women because she was talking them up left and right...

I'll be back in a bit after we settle in...but I will say the highlight was when we left and Ethan asked me if we could watch the Virginia Tech game...

"ABSOLUTELY!!!"

Day 20 - What A Morning

I just had all three kids lined up on chairs watching me make them eggs as Gill (Garrett's band) was requested off my laptop...

Ethan changed his mind to go watch Tigger & Pooh but Owen and Summer told me I made good eggs.

It was pretty cool, not going to lie, I felt like I was on the Food Network...

Day 20 - Let's Get It On

Summer's been a star this week...I feel like she and I really turned a corner and now she's even pretty cool when the parents come home...I came by last night (just to hangout with the CEO/CFO) and she seemed pretty happy to see me.

Trust me, this is significant progress...I'm loving it...

She especially cracked me up this morning by coming down stairs, turning the corner, seeing me, and stopping dead in her tracks...

So I did what comes naturally to me:

"Hellllooooooo"

Summer runs back upstairs...and says the following:

"Hey guys! Bictor's here...Hellloooooooo"

Then she came down with her coworkers and they all say it...Everyone is fired up today...4 haircuts and then off to my grandmothers house (or as she'll be called "Abuela" which is a really creative name for her...since it means Grandmother in Spanish my family clearly swung for the fences on this one...Side rant: My parents better be ready for some crazy names like "mahatma" and "nacho")

It's cheap snowing right now (i.e. - looks nice coming down and then immediately becomes slush) so Owen told me we have to remember to wear our "fat jackets."

I'm excited about today...

Oh, and so is Ethan, because for unknown reasons he's walking around wearing cleats...right now, he sounds like Gregory Hines

PS - I'd like to thank Tica for starting my car for me this morning...That was very nice of you...

Day 19 - I Feel Like A Punk

So 10 minutes after Ethan came up to me, wrapped his arms around my neck in a tight grip, said "big hug", kissed me on the cheek, and told me that he loves me...I made him cry.

Sometimes, all it really takes to make him cry is the idea you're upset with him...I can't even imagine how wrecked he will be when he gets into high school, gets caught drinking, and CEO/CFO drop the old "We aren't mad at you, we're just disappointed."

Regardless, I put Summer down for her nap, go down the hall and hear the boys in their room running around and - as soon as they hear me coming - a duet of "Shhhhhh" which makes me chuckle as I come in the room to lay down the law.

Because I just put Summer down I speak in that hushed "I'm trying to get my point across voice without speaking loudly" like when you argue with your significant other at a restaurant or church...

That might be a bad example...but yeah...all I said was the following (and keep in mind I'm whispering all this)

"Hey Hey Hey! What is going on in here? You guys know you can't be up here while Summer's trying to nap...let's go, get downstairs..."

Neither catch my Saved By The Bell reference...But Owen's on step 4 by "You guys know" as Ethan is just sputtering...And then it happens...

He turns, looks at me, and completely breaks down...

"I-I-I-Viiiictor I'm sowwwwwy"

So now I feel terrible...I explain to him I'm not mad at him, just trying to keep Summer from being mad at me...To fix it all, we hug at the top of the stairs and head down holding hands.

Day 19 - BIG NEWS!!!

OK. I'm beyond excited right now....As in, this kid excited:



I should come right out and say I'm also furious at myself for not thinking of this idea I'm about to blow your mind with...But the idea is so unbelievably fantastic and such a potential goldmine that I cant really be mad at all...I'm just excited to do it.

So right now I need to thank the loyal and brilliant reader who emailed me to suggest it...I don't know this person. I've never met them and all I can say is any guy reading this will immediately love her for her idea...So Laura Cilmi, thank you.

Without further ado, here's the idea:

WE'RE DOING AN OFFICE NCAA TOURNAMENT POOL!!!!!

Myself and the Coworkers will fill out brackets. Naturally, being that I have a distinct advantage over my competition, I will not cheat. I'm going to fill it out fair & square and really try to win this thing.

That being said, I'm going to tie one hand behind my back by not allowing myself to choose a #1 seed to win the title.

I've been thinking what might be the best way to have the kids pick...and I think the best way is to just ask them which mascot would win...

For example, if its a Tiger versus a Highlander, I will explain that a Highlander is a guy with a big sword and a tiger can rip off it's owners face in the middle of a giant Vegas stage show...Then they will decide who will win...I hope they pick the Tiger...but I will not rig it for them.

So, if Summer picks Robert Morris to win the whole shebang...so be it...

Either way, I'm incredibly excited about this idea...Although, I should mention the blog will most likely go into sleep mode starting Wednesday, March 18th as I will be departing for Las Vegas, Nevada and partaking in a fun, safe, debauchery free weekend alongside some friends...

Since I will be in the thick of Hell's Waiting Room for 5 days I will do my best to post at some point with a bracket update...However, regardless, my goal is to post everyone's bracket onto the blog and allow those readers who care the chance to keep tabs on which kid has the best chance to become the next Brandon Lang...

I would assume this will take place Monday with my posting our results on Tuesday.

I hope you're half as excited as I am...Because I'm freaking out with excitement...until I lose and feel incredible shame...

[UPDATE: I need some ideas for potential prizes to give the winner...private concert by Garrett...a Harmonica? Throw something out there...and if I finish last what should I do?]

Day 19 - Lunch

I asked everyone what they wanted for lunch...Ethan & Owen rolled with the PBJ...

Summer asked for "biscetti" so she's either really cultured and mature for her age and wants a biscotti...or she wants spaghetti and cant say it...

I'm going to go ahead and roll the dice on this one and go with the spaghetti as biscetti...

Day 19 - Impressed.

On the ride home we had to listen to the "Drum Song" which Ethan has tabbed as his favorite...

It's actually called "Hotel 173" but it starts with the drums and that works for him...

A few songs later we come across another song that starts with drums...Summer says its the "Drum Song"

Ethan gets fired up and flustered for a second...

"No its not, this is 'I got a lil problem' not 'drum song' Summa"

The first 5 words of this particular song are "I've got a little problem..."

Should I be impressed or am I just inexperienced with kids?

Day 19 - The Trip to School

Today's ride consisted solely of music questions and music topics...

As I said yesterday, Ethan has a new favorite but the funny thing is its now Summer who will ask for Garrett's music as soon as we get in the car...This is a fairly recent development that proves one thing and one thing only:

Girls are SUCKERS for a guy with a guitar.

Remember my post yesterday about my kid playing pro sports? Forget it.

New goal: My kids will be musicians (and they will thank me later...)

Anyways, Ethan is transfixed by the sound/idea of a harmonica...he just cant wrap his head around my description of it (which, in all fairness to him, was a bit dicey since I described it as a silver looking remote control that you put up to your lips...)

So I asked him if he wanted me to draw him a picture.

He says yes.

Owen pipes up and asks for me to draw him drums (this seems to be the thing he likes the most which fits his personality because he's a bit more inclined to raise hell)

Lastly, Summer isn't going to get left out, so she chimes in...

"A-A-And Bictor, I wanna tuba"

A TUBA???

Who wants a tuba?

I responded with "A tuba??"

To which Ethan felt the need to explain what it is.

"It's a big brass instrument victor"

I kid you not. That was a direct quote. I wonder if they know all brass instruments...

Side Note: On my way home I stopped by Einstein Bros. Bagels...Because (and those who go out to eat with me know this) I have a tendency to ask the people serving me for a suggestion, I did so once again.

The suggestion was the Sante Fe Egg Wrap...it is DELICIOUS.

So it has my approval...you know, if you gave a crap about my opinion.

Day 18 - I Still Haven't Learned

I made the mistake of telling the kids I would make them something today. Again.

This time, while discussing musical instruments in the car, I told them I'd make everyone a guitar.

Black & Orange for Ethan, Blue & Yellow for Owen and Pink & Purple for Summer...

So while I draw that the kids are watching some show I found on HBO called I Spy...It's interactive and I figured this was better than letting them go completely comatose.

The funny part is Owen wasn't interested at first...but as he heard the opening song you could see him think to himself, "Should I?"

After a few minutes of the opening chatter they announced it was time to play I Spy.

Owen was out of his seat and sprinting in 1.5 seconds...

I'm going to make him run the 40 later and videotape it for Scouts, Inc. and Rivals.com...I figure the least I can do is drum up some interest and get the kid a division 1 football scholarship...

Day 18 - Hey Showtime

Who at Showtime is in charge of separating movies into acceptable categories?

Dirty Dancing & Bio-Dome are both under "Family Movies."

Yeah, Dirty Dancing, where a girl has an ABORTION is on the list...

"Hey gang, it's family time, let's get comfy and watch as Patrick Swayze - a grown man - seduces a girl named Baby as she vacations with her family...Pass the popcorn!"

And Bio-Dome? Look, I love that movie more than just about anyone...but that's a bit iffy too...They grow weed at one point...Bio-Dome has some really weird parts if you pay attention...

Again, who the hell are behind these decisions?

Day 18 - Conversation Over Lunch

Me: "Summer, wipe your face...How'd you get pizza all over it??"

Owen: "Because she's a messy eater Victor"

Ethan " Yeaaaa...y-y-you know why shes always so messy? Because shes a messy eater..."

Me: "Hahaha. yeah she is but she's still cute, right?"

Ethan: "Yeaaaa but shes still a messy eataaaa..."

Day 18 - The Trip Home From School

Sweet deal. I saw that in the Office freezer we have a Tombstone Pizza, half cheese/half pepperoni...I love Tombstone Pizza for some reason.

So my goal was to nudge the coworkers towards pizza for lunch. After Owen resisted slightly ("I don't like pizza" - lie!) he told me he liked cheese while Summer & Ethan like pepperoni...

LUCKILY I HAVE THE HALF & HALF!

So we're going to eat pizza...(and yeah, I just whispered "yessss" like Ethan does)

- Another fun highlight of the ride home were when this guy blatantly ran a red light, the car next to us honked, and the kids wondered what happened.

First I said the guy was dumb but then I switched to dangerous.

They haven't learned "Dangerous" yet...

Try to explain dangerous without using other, equally hard, words...

I settle on saying the guy is bad.

Summer chimes in:

"Bi-Bictor, when he gets home he should put himself in time out..."

- Lastly, I know I talk about this a lot so feel free to send me a mean email but I keep finding it funny. For the first few weeks they would request Gare-wet but weren't entirely certain...This week its become clear they can actually tell when it is and isn't (meaning they've come to recognize Eli's voice who I've been saying is Garrett to cut down on explanations)...

Today they took it one step further. I forgot to mention how on the way to school Ethan was humming along to the one song he seems to really like.

This cracked me up.

However, on the way home, he asked for the song with drums & harmonica...So his listening has progressed from thinking he likes something...to liking something...to learning the melody of something...to knowing the difference between the songs he likes based on the instruments he hears.

I don't know what kids are and are not supposed to know by the age of 4 so I find this kind of cool.

I also found out my aunt - their grandmother - has maracas because when they heard them in the song Owen said Grandma had some...I find this incredibly interesting.

Day 18 - Big Question

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how these people end up acting on kid shows...

For instance, Summer and I are enjoying "Imagination Movers" which seems to feature 4 dudes dressed like, well, movers who are apparently a band (sort of)...

I went to the library (aka Wikipedia) and found out these guys were 4 friends and neighbors who pitched the show to their local PBS affiliate.

Now I have no idea why but I find this fascinating. How did this come about? Which one was the first to suggest forming a band to play kid rock?

Truth be told, the songs weren't half bad and I'm pretty excited to report they are releasing a full length album through Disney on March 18th, 2008 titled "Juice Box Heroes" which is good news.

Yet, none of that really addresses the career arc of the hosts of Blues Clues or Yo Gabba Gabba - I refuse to believe their dream was to do that. I feel like they had to have somehow just stumbled into a gig and said "Eff it."

How do I know this? Because they have bills to pay like the rest of us.

Day 18 - You Can't Let Them Out Of Your Sight

I lost Summer for a minute...I was sitting at the kitchen table coloring with her and she got up and ambled off...I was trying really hard to stay within the lines so I didn't immediately notice.

After a few seconds I noticed I was alone and coloring a Strawberry Shortcake picture...

I call out for her once.

Nothing...

I call out "Summer?" again...

Again, no answer...

But I can hear a clicking noise...

I get up and go into the living room calling her name...And there she is with her back to me at the couch and I can tell her little hands are at work.

As I get about 3 feet from her she turns and I can see her Bubbletape Gum container in her hand and an ENORMOUS wad of the gum in her mouth...I don't know how she got it because I put every one's gum on a high shelf yesterday...I'm blaming the CEO and CFO on this one...

Because, as I've previously said, my number one priority is to make sure I keep these kids alive I made her spit the gum out into my hand.

Awesome.

To be nice, I rip a smaller chunk off her gigantic chunk and give it back.

I have put the gum back up with the rest...I don't want a repeat of yesterday when Owen's gum somehow ended up on the carpet under their play table...

Day 18 - Coloring Books Are Hard To Find

For those of you in search of coloring books (which basically means everyone reading this) here are a few tips:

Don't go to Ben Franklin Crafts...

OK, I lied, that's my only tip at the moment.

Look, Ben Franklin Crafts is a great store if you need a frame for that needlepoint picture of yourself you had your grandmother make you...Or if you need that weird green foam to put your fake flowers in...

But otherwise, that place smells like death and dust...And the selection is weak.

You know its a crappy selection when you walk in and the 3 year old girl you're with goes

"I wanna try a diffint store Bictor"

Anyways, I'm home now with a happy Summer and 3 coloring books...to avoid a brawl I purchased Ethan & Owen identical coloring books.

In conclusion, I win.

On a side note, I want to mention something unrelated...I think my favorite part of the week is when its just Summer and I...And I don't say that because I don't love being around Ethan & Owen, because I absolutely do. The funniest comments come from those two but there is something great and peaceful about hanging out alone with Summer...Especially if shes in a good mood.

The question I get a lot since I started is whether I really enjoy doing what I'm doing and whether or not I think I'll want kids.

Look, if I didn't want kids one day (like years from now one day) I wouldn't have taken on the job and, if anything, I feel like I have a good idea of whats coming. Seriously, I'm of the mentality that if you test yourself with vomit, human excrement, and nut shots from a light up sword (if you're a guy) you will, at the very least, have a decent idea of what lies in store for you...

That being said, in just under a month on the job I have been convinced that I'm 100% down for kids (again, in a few years...) because I really do love what I'm doing.

[Females, altogether now - AWWW]

However, like any other red blooded male, when I have kids I'd like at least 1 or 2 boys because I want to retire in style watching my son (sons???) play professional sports...Hence my insistence that my future wife allow us to run every potential name through the Stadium test...

Oh, you aren't familiar with the Stadium Test? That's when you simulate saying your kids name like its coming out of a loud speaker at a sporting event...I'm a big believer in your name bringing you success...Honestly, there is a reason Gibran Hamdan is an NFL 3rd string Quarterback...and it's not talent. His name is awful. Had his parents simulated his name they would have known and maybe, just maybe, he'd be a starter today...

And yet, with all that out in the open, I've resigned myself to the fact I'm going to be afflicted with the Daughter Disease...

Why am I telling you all this? Because I kind of realized today that I'm cool with that...Guys are a lot of energy and I'm not really used to that because I grew up with all women...so screw it...

Bring on the daughters...I just want my future wife to understand my daughters are going to look like this until they're, at least, 21...The only difference is mine won't have a cell phone...

Day 18 - 180

Summer just went and pulled a "Christian Slater in Gleaming The Cube" 180...

I'm truly befuddled. As my boy John C at Dominion Power told me once, "I'm buffalo'ed"

I don't understand that phrase either but I've been dying to throw it in a conversation at least once...

Mission Accomplished.

Anyways, once we walked out the door she was back in MVP mode...

I think I need to discuss with upper management why my associate hates me when they're around...

Day 18 - The Calm Before The Storm

For the last two days I would have awarded Summer MVP honors...She's been great.

Today, she is in about the worst mood possible.

It's also the day I have her all day while the boys go to school...

Grrrreat

Day 17 - Proud of Myself

Aside from being half alarmed that Summer is still sleeping, I'm also swelling with pride right now.

Owen just came over and told me he wanted to clean up.

BINGO!

They seem to enjoy the process of putting things they want in one spot and the rest elsewhere...It's a very involved process so I suppose that helps...

However, I'm really hoping this isn't because the last few times I gave them something or it's going to end up like this...



Regardless, I couldn't be more impressed right now...

Day 17 - Summer Sleeps In

I have to say one of the cooler aspects of Summer's nap time is when I have to go get her. In every instance, it's a complete and total roll of the dice and I have no idea which Summer is going to be behind the door.

If all went well, she's an absolute delight. But if she didn't get to sleep enough or someone woke her up...wow.

I just went to check on her and she was just laying there, straight up and down, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.

I ask her three times how she slept. She ignores each question and avoids eye contact.

I change the question and ask her if she would rather go downstairs with me or stay in her bed for a bit more.

She chooses to stay in bed.

I ask if she would prefer coming downstairs on her own when shes ready or if she'd like me to come get her.

She says she wants me to come get her.

Of course she does...She's 100% princess.

Day 17 - Becoming Aesop

I'll be honest: when I first started working at Kids Inc. I expected to be a phenomenal story teller...

And yet, much to my dismay, I was awful. My voice was far from smooth, my cadence was rough & herky jerky...

All in all, the librarians I grew up with would have been appalled at my weak attempts to entertain...

That all being said, I can feel the improvement...My voice is getting bigger...the dramatic pauses are getting more and more dynamic...

Basically, I'm rocking the performances these days...I just killed it on Cinderella...Gus & Jaq (mice) have never sounded cooler. Lady Tremaine sounded like the dirt bag she is...Needless to say, I'm patting myself on the back.

Now, I don't say any of this to brag. I say this in case someone would like me to come to their house on the weekends and perform for a party or even just a family. I could use the extra loot.

Day 17 - The Masks

Day 17 - The Trip Home

Gahleeee. I was 10 minutes late picking up the kids today. I feel like a real class act...

Now, truth be told, I didn't think there was a chance in Hell that school would be able to get to the Museum and back with a bunch of kids within 3 hours...Seriously, what are the odds of that? 1 in 100K?

Naturally, since I have awful luck, they were the last kids left...

Yeah. Apparently, I'm "that guy."

As always, the ride home started with Ethan wanting to hear Garrett. It's progressed from cute to borderline frustrating because he's picked up enough to know when I'm trying to slip one by him...I guess it's my fault for thinking I can pass Lil Wayne off as Garrett, huh?

Either way, I guess today the song we started on wasn't a usual suspect because they were all confused. In this particular song a harmonica is used...Now, for those of us lucky enough to be raised in the 90's (i.e. Born before 1986 but after 1980) a harmonica isn't something new since you probably own at LEAST one Blues Traveler CD...

However, for a kid, a Harmonica is apparently mind blowing. They know drums and guitars...but trying to introduce them to a harmonica while driving is like trying to describe what the color red looks like to a deaf & blind guy...

I wanted to do the motion/noise but since I follow proper driving protocol, I keep my hands at 10 and 2 at all times...

So I just did the noise...

Which they already were hearing...

Which just confused everyone.

As such, they became alarmed at how Garrett could possibly handle all the instruments.

Time to blow their minds...

"Guys, the person playing the harmonica is named Eli and he's in Garrett's band too"

As this rocked Ethan & Owens world, no doubt convincing them that the guy who came over to play was an out & out fraud, Summer piped up:

"Two peeble? Dat's silly Bictor!"

At this point, I feel I should extend a formal invite to Eli to come perform for the kids alongside Gare-wet...I think everyone would appreciate Garrett having some help...

Plus, Ethan would freak out if two guitars showed up...throw a harmonica in and I fully expect to be cleaning up blood after their heads explode.

JK...

So, because I was feeling lazy, we went to McDonald's today...Seriously, I know there is a 75% chance I grow an extra limb or just drop dead in the middle of my own (deep in the future) wedding thanks to it...but McDonald's is amazing...

Where else can you take 4 humans to eat for $18.03? Not to mention, 3 toys...and a high five from the guy who gave us the food cause he saw the kids and my beard and put 2 + 2 together, I think...

That or he was congratulating me for being a good father. Either way, great high five.

And, by the way, awesome work McDonald's - The SpiderMan figurines that shoot a hard plastic web were big hits...

Not to mention potentially very dangerous...who came up with these toys McDonald's? Irvin Mainway?



However, let me just say, these trips might come to an end if they don't actually start eating the food they tell me they want...my patience is growing thin...

We're going to go finish off these masks...and then, hopefully, I'll make a video and show you my brainwashing efforts...

I'll give you a hint:

I say "Let's Go..." and they say?

Day 17 - The Trip To School

Today is a big day for Ethan & Owen because their school is taking them to the Children's Museum...

For those of you unfamiliar with the Children's Museum it's basically (if my memory serves correct) a building that, by now, must be old and decrepit but is chock full of activities for kids...

I seem to recall a grocery store area, a hospital/doctor area, and apparently there is a little patio spot where they pump in fake snow during the winter from time to time.

Either way, kids love this place.

Needless to say, everyone was in good spirits. Even Summer, who happened to win the fictional MVP award yesterday...She was phenomenal.

On the way to school we listened to - big shocker - Marilyn Manson...Joking. We listened to Garrett...Again...I'm starting to hate that guys voice...

The only amusing tidbit of this ride was the discussion concerning my wearing a hat.

See folks, my hair grows at a freakish rate. As in, I get a haircut - on average - every two weeks.

Sure, part of this is because my mom is a hairstylist and all it costs me a hug and a kiss on the cheek...But still, I would be going every 3 weeks if I had to actually fork over some cash.

Why? Because it's ridiculous and it doesn't grow down...It grows out and up. So if you need someone who can grow a mustache and afro in 2 weeks - Call me.

So, because of this, I have taken to wearing a hat lately...

And the kids remember Garrett wore a hat...and because our hats were similar the discussion turned to hats and Gare-wet and myself looking the same...which turned into them joking about how I AM Garrett...and me pointing out how Garrett is smaller than me...

Which turned into Ethan getting defensive about Garrett and telling me to stop.

[Note: Garrett, good news, had you lived with Ethan instead of Appy & I you can rest easy knowing he wouldn't have made you put your groceries on the lower shelves because you were the smallest.]

Anyways, uneventful morning otherwise so I'm going to go shower and then pick the kids up from school...Back in a bit.

Day 16 - I Wish It Was Dr. J We Were Seeing...

I've come to the conclusion that there are only two things a med student really has to knock out before becoming a doctor:

1) The Hippocratic Oath

2) Learning how to rudely keep their patients waiting

Once they get that down, everything else can be found on Web MD...It's a pretty sweet trade-off for luxury automobiles, vacation homes and trophy wives if you ask me.

[Note: This only applies to physicians...not surgeons]

As you may have deduced from the title of this post or the first little bit, we had another doctors appointment today.

After spending more time than I anticipated dressing the kids (Summer was insisting on a dress that, when on, showed the bottom half of her, well, bottom...and that wasn't kosher in my book)...we departed for the doctors appointment already knowing we'd be late.

I call this "Paying It Forward."

Luckily, the kids other grandmother - CFO's mom - "Meemaw" has joined the party to assist me (re: alleviate me of any serious responsibilities such as talking to intelligent people)...

Now, for whatever reason, I've been looking at everything today through "Good News/Bad News" colored lenses so that's how I'm going to run down the experience from start to finish.

Good News: Ethan and Owen look ridiculously cool/funny in their Batman/Spiderman (respectively) sunglasses.

Bad News: Summer's glasses have a pink tint so when I look at her I can clearly see her looking back and for some reason this is messing with my head.

Good News: The office is FILLED with women. Jackpot.

Bad News: They're either all married or unattractive. Or both. "How could you be so..."

Good News: Thanks for that 5 month old VIBE magazine Doc...I read it cover to cover...

Bad News: Because this was, oddly enough, one of the only magazines available outside of "Seniors Weekly" Owen enjoyed it with me...which resulted in a few questions about why everyone in VIBE had brown skin. I told him brown is beautiful. Sufficient answer!

Good News: Hey! Awesome! Thanks for putting Charlotte's Web on guys!!

Bad News: On MUTE! Really people? This is supposed to be cool? What's next? Ripping all the pages out of the kids books?

Good News: Lady at the front desk - thanks for the pen you gave Owen so he could draw all over the ONE "Highlights" magazine in the whole office...that was really nice of you.

Bad News: Hope you don't need it now that it's in my glove compartment...

Good News: The kids told "Meemaw" how I'm nice, how I never spank them, and how they love me.

Bad News: They also said that I didn't give them lunch today (even though I did)...

Lesson? Kids are not always credible witnesses...

So yeah, after spending 2 hours at a doctors office, staring at other people & reading VIBE...I had a friggin blast...

The kids spent the ride home with their shades on, windows down, listening to Gare-Wet (I do want to mention that Ethan had a favorite...but its full blown to the point that he can now hum along to the song he likes...which KILLS me)...

All in all - Good day so far...They might get ice cream if we have it...

Day 16 - Seriously, What The?

Ethan will not stop peeing. Kid has gone 3 times since I got here...

I asked why he was going so much...

"Buh buh because sometimes I have to pee a lot"

Day 16 - Hello

I'm not going to lie - we're on week 4 and I could have sworn by now I would have quit or just succumbed to the pressure and hopped on a bus headed somewhere far away...Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of myself...

I walked in this morning to Summer & Ethan in dynamite moods and Owen not exactly thrilled because the CEO wasn't delivering the goods on his latest drawing...

Which resulted in my favorite quote for today:

"Owen, stop crying...you're crying over a picture dude, this is supposed to be fun..."

From here on out, I'm telling them "this is supposed to be fun" whenever they cry.

As for those of you wondering what your manny did with his weekend...welp, here let me show you: Pay close attention to the row titled "V" and the 4 strikes "V" rolled in a row...That's right ladies - I like kids and bowling...Feel free to email.


[NOTE: That 102 by Mullaney turned into a 130 when he got crazy with his last few throws...]

Day 15 - The Field Trip

[UPDATE: THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED & EXTENDED BELOW THE ORIGINAL STORY]

Look, I'm a little bit tired. I went out last night and then I've been here with the kids all day...Hanging out with kids is one of those things that is deceiving in nature because it appears to be easy but in reality its more taxing than any job I've ever had (except male escort - hey oh).

I say this not to sound like a crybaby but to put the following story in perspective...I may not do our trip justice but I will try...

After lunch the kids had two options:

- Go Home

or

- Go to Snagajob.Com headquarters...

They chose Snagajob so that's what we did...But before I go on let me bring you folks up to speed...

1) Snagajob.com is THE #1 website for hourly workers to find employment...The easiest comparison I can make is that it's Monster.com for hourly work...It's also chock full of young, creative people. Some are even beautiful. Especially Mullaney (I'm absolutely kidding about this. However, I am now aware that his Mom and Sister have been reading the blog so I changed it up from the original comment where I made fun of him)...

2) Tica works at Snagajob...

3) The word on the local street is that there are a few people at Snagajob who read the blog. As such, it seemed fitting to take the kids there for their first trip...

[Note: Those of you at IW reading the blog...talk to my boss about our visiting him at his office before you yell at me for going to SAJ first...]

Now, as I said earlier, Ethan's like a miniature politician but Owen is a bit iffy about attention and Summer is a wild card in that you can never be sure which Summer will show up - shy or outgoing...

So my fear was that, because these people have read about them and have developed a one-way relationship with the kids (to a certain degree) they might feel comfortable approaching the kids...

Which could potentially freak the kids out.

So I warned everyone of them that the people had seen their video and would know them so if someone stared (directed at Owen) don't yell at them or anything...Just say "hello" and smile...

This trip went as well as could be expected. The kids were holding court throughout the office and eating up attention (not to mention work time) like they ran the place...

At this point, because its 4:45 and one of my bosses has arrived relieving me of my duties I'm going to cut it a bit short but I'd like to mention a few people/things:

- Grace, the receptionist who gave me a hug. She smelled delicious.

- Stephanie, who went home during her lunch and brought back stickers for the kids out of the goodness of her heart. Each kid is currently covered in an array of colorful stars. Ethan most of all...He took a serious liking to Stephanie...going so far as to push her glasses back onto her nose and saying quietly to her "Sheeeesh...Kids..."

- Tricia, who broke out her princess snow globe that won Summer's heart for eternity...Between that and her purple towel Summer found a friend for life. Well done Tricia.

- The giant chalkboard the kids were free to go nuts on with tons of colorful chalk...Everyone drew rainbows...This makes me think these kids would have supported Prop 8 if they were able to vote in California...

- John V, Kevin M, Gregg V, Kristi E, Heather H, Annette and everyone else who came over to talk to us...

- Shawn Boyer - the Snagajob CEO - came out and talked to the kids...luckily they were on their best behavior as it really would have sucked if I accidentally got my sister fired in the midst of this economy...

- The Snagajob snack room for the Oreo snack pack you provided all three kids...

- Lastly, Lorinda, who gave the kids lollipops...I didn't catch your name so I apologize but thank you very much...They really enjoyed them.

[UPDATED PORTION]

When I got home I jumped on the blog to see if I made any mistakes commonly associated with illiterate people...and what I found was that my post really, in a way, wasn't entertaining at all...There are moments here and there but I neglected to tell you anything truly funny...Until now, when I remembered this story...

Ethan hates public restrooms. Now, while foreign to ladies, guys know all about stage fright and many are sympathizing with Ethan as they read this very sentence...

However, Ethan's problem is not stage fright, not in the least.

Oh no, he has a serious issue with the automatic flush contraption connected to most public restroom urinals & toilets.

Now, I'm not making fun of him. He's eye level with this thing and I can understand how the sheer volume and force of the flush at that distance could be a bit daunting...I totally understand

That being said, this was hilarious...

As soon as we got to Snagajob he needed to go...Tica & I hustled the three of them in through a side door (paparazzi) and kind of just burst right into the middle of eight cubicles. Take a moment to picture that happening right now in your cubicle area...

Ethan and I take off on a mad dash to the bathroom with him still stopping to say hello to people...We find the restrooms, head on in, take the handicap stall (I know, I know but you have to understand) and we both see it:

The Automatic Flusher.

(By the way, this one is pretty fancy and impressive looking...even I was speechless for a second)

Apparently, he had to go bad enough that he was going to make it happen rain or shine...and here was our conversation that followed:

Me: "OK...I know this isn't cool but it'll be alright"

Ethan "Bictor...You gotta hold my e-uhhs"

Who doesn't chuckle at that request?

This was one of those times it was cool for him to sit...so there he is trying to focus on peeing with the fear of death coursing through his veins...I'm holding his ears and laughing but doing my best to not laugh out loud...Finally he finishes and as soon as the kid gets up and pulls his undergear up The Automatic Flusher goes off and he lunges into me covering his ears...

All in all, this was the funniest moment - for me - of the entire Snagajob trip...

[UPDATE OVER]

With that, I'm going home and turning back into a 25 year old who goes out on the weekends...See you folks on Monday...

Your friend,

The Manny

Day 15 - Another Epic Story

Wow. Alright, those of you badgering me...pestering me for posts...sending me text messages saying I'm a slacker...THIS IS FREE ENTERTAINMENT.

Give me a chance here! And yes I'm kidding...Sorry I kept you folks waiting...I'm killing your Friday...all 9 of you...

I've been gone for the last 3 hours so this post might get lengthy...feel free to print it off and put it in the top drawer of your desk or under the spreadsheet you're already pretending to read...Let's get started...

Remember that whole "Cabin fever" thing we were suffering through the past few days?

Color. Us. Cured.

Today has been fairly eventful. Ethan had an exercise session so that took up a couple hours of his morning...In the meantime, Summer & Owen just hung out coloring with me...A little high quality bonding time.

Around noon we went to pick up Ethan and luckily this time - as some of you may recall - I was not summoned into the back to discuss Ethan's behavior. Needless to say, everyone got high fives from me today...Especially Tawanda at the front desk. She got two and a wink...and maybe my number...

On the way to the car I tell Ethan we're going to meet up with his Dad and others for lunch. He replies:

"Ahhh...I love Dada...I...I...I...My favorite is Casa Rande (note: it's actually Casa Grande) b-b-because they have CHEEEEEEESE DIIIIIIP"

He yells this as loud as possible in a really deep voice. I stop to laugh. I am now sufficiently stoked about lunch.

After a boring ride listening to Gare-wet (time to write some new songs buddy) and talking to blog fan Ellington on the phone as she rattled on and on about something ridiculous...We arrive at Casa Grande.

This lunch is going to be huge. We have a roster made up of:

- Myself

- The CEO

- The Three Co-Workers

- Drummie (My friend)

- Tica (My sister)

- Kimmie (Tica's friend)

- Our Waiter - "Knock Off Marc Anthony"

A Mexican lunch with these kids is a friggin circus...Salsa's flying one way, chips are crumbling left and right, Ethan's got cheese dip over every inch of his mouth dripping down his chin..."Marc Anthony" is confused by the sheer magnitude of it all...and I'm laughing because only 2 adults at the table have any idea what to really expect...

Once everyone got their drink and such the table turns into open season...kids are hollering, laughing, people are staring...

Highlights:

- Drummie has met the kids before...Owen is a bit funny with new people...especially guys so I expected him to be a little shy. Turns out the jokester came out.

"Owen, you remember Drummie?"

"that's not Drummie...that guys crazy"

"Haha...no that's Drummie..."

"His names not Drummie...He's Skinny Guy"

Rest of the meal it was "Hey Skinny Guy" this and that...

- Ethan got a Sprite to drink. Being that he was thirsty, he drank a bit more than he should have and, as expected, he unleashes a huge burp...

Everyone laughs.

HUGE smile crosses his face. If nothing else, he's a ham for attention. I might stop calling him Ethan and change his name to "US Weekly" I mean he loves it. He even asked to make another video earlier.

So now he has a method of capturing every ones attention. Sprite is now getting sucked down at record levels...to the point he's turning red trying to suck down as much as possible as quickly as possible.

He burps again. Now he knows it works more than once.

He does it again...Drink is now finished.

"Marc Anthony" refills it.

He does it again. We are still laughing at him because he looks remarkably happy.

This all takes place in the time it takes the CEO to take Summer to the bathroom. So, maybe 5-7 minutes...

Finally, I decide this could break bad if he keeps it up...

You're probably wondering what card I played...How could I make him stop? Since I am, at the moment, his intellectual superior I prey on his greatest fear:

"Hey man, keep that up and you might puke..."

"What?"

The Chugging Sprite game is over.

- Being that they are cute kids (I'm not biased. It has no bearing on my life whatsoever if they are cute or ugly...but they're cute so its relevant) this lady unintentionally found herself staring at the 3 ring circus in the middle of a Mexican restaurant...Up until Owen noticed her staring and decided to set her straight...

Annoyed (a little freaked out) Owen: "Hey, what are you staring at?"

Startled Lady: "Oh I'm sorry..."

Owen: "Go..."

The adults at the table: "Hey...shes just being nice" (It should be noted we're all half laughing at his ballsy approach...)

Lady says hes cute. I tell him to get used to girls staring at him. Lady laughs. I tell her I'm available. She tells me shes 65. He says he doesn't like people looking at him. I say "word."

Lesson Learned: If this blog takes off there is a 75% chance Owen goes nuts one day and Sean Penn's a fan who gets too close for comfort...



- Near the end, Owen and I are joking with each other...saying the other smells and such...you know, guy sh*t...

At one point I tell Owen I'm going to pick him up and turn him inside out. To this he replies:

"I'm going to turn your shirt inside out and show your pecs..."

WHAT?

First of all, this makes me uncomfortable when its said in a crowded restaurant...then the CEO tells us how they explained the difference between female and male top half's to the boys...So now I understand...

However, second of all, I don't even have pecs so it would have been a heart breaker...

After lunch we went on a little field trip to a local business...I'll be back shortly with that story...

[UPDATE: I FORGOT TO GIVE DRUMMIE CREDIT - THIS GUY BOUGHT ALL 3 KIDS SOME CANDY AFTER LUNCH...SUPER NICE, SINGLE GUY LADIES...]

Day 15 - The Usual Questions

Every single day Ethan asks me the same three questions, in the same way, with the same smile:

1) "W-wh-where's my mommy?"

2) "W-wh-where's Daddy?"

3) "W-wh-where's Tica (my sister)?

Today, he asked question #3 first so I told him there was a good chance we would be getting lunch with Tica...At that, I asked if that sounded good...

"Th-That's (drops into a whisper) fantastic!"

Day 15 - Classic

Ethan's just walking by and rips an enormous fart. I look up and over at Summer with what I imagine is a "holy crap, did you hear that?" expression on my face...

Summer immediately gets defensive:

"I didn't do that..."

Women are all the same...I'm going with nature over nurture on this one...

Day 15 - Gender Confusion

Happy Friday...

This morning I came in and found Summer eating French Toast sticks...Needless to say, she's baaaaaaaaack...

After she finished, she joined Owen at the coloring table where they each got some construction paper and got crazy with it...

At this point, Summer asked me a question and because I was reading something on ESPN.com at that exact moment my response was my standard go-to:

"Yeah buddy?"

This did not sit well with Summer.

"Buddy!? I'm not a Buddy...Buddy's are boys Bictor!"

Day 14 - Ring Pops & Trix

Summer feels good enough that she ate a few saltines way earlier...Because these went down and did not go reverse Isaac Newton on me...I'm comfortable with her eating something else...plus shes been a smiling machine since 1:30...

She asked for "balls" that her Dada gets at the grocery store. After the confusion gave way to understanding I figured out she meant Trix.

Because Trix are for kids...I gave her some. She was very happy.

I gave Ethan and Owen their ring pops after they cleaned up...I kid you not when I say they consumed them in under 5 minutes...

At one point, I look over and notice Ethan waving both arms around and I get worried about where he put the ring pop down...

"Ethan! Where's the lollipop?"

"I aaaaate it...See?"

I'll be damned if he & Owen didn't just chomp their way through it with their baby teeth...I mean, they DESTROYED these things...

Luckily, they're both running around with colorful lips and teeth at the moment...

Good times

Day 14 - WHEW

OK...yesterday the boys suffered from cabin fever...today it's me.

I'm losing my friggin MIND here people...and so are Ethan & Owen...if they ask me one more time for their lollipops - which I clearly stated will be given out at the end of the day once I have determined everyone has been good - I'm going to put their ring pops on the ground and step on them.

I wouldn't but still...its a good threat.

So I drew Ethan and Owen another set of superheroes...

Ethan this time wanted "stwetchin" powers so his guy is called Elastic-E...I'm very proud of this one...

Owen wanted to be like Batman...so he got Bat-Owen...which I'm not proud of but what would you have called him?

Exactly.

After Owen got his he messed up while coloring and decided that instead of just saying he messed up he'd break down and cry...That doesn't work on me...I told him when he finished crying and wanted to talk we could discuss a new drawing.

Eventually, he stops and I explain how I don't do the crying business so if theres a problem and it doesn't involve blood, pain, or anything serious then just come talk to me...He seems to understand.

I draw him a new Batman. This one complete with a cityscape in the background. One of the buildings even had a satellite on it. Sometimes, my ADD takes over and I go NUTS with these pictures...

As a way to keep it fair I decided to read to Summer...She's upstairs in her pillow throne, maxing & relaxing like the pint-sized diva she is...She asks me to read her a story about a guy...I don't follow so she grabs the book herself.

"First Steps to Jesus"

Oh. Sweet.

The story Summer wanted was called "Learning the Bible" and its about a page long...The story, when boiled down, basically talks about how Mary and Joseph would read him the Bible and later in life, he would go to the synagogue and learn more about the Bible...On Saturdays, he would talk about God with other people and then talk to God in prayer...Apparently, he loved this...

Now, I'm not super strong on Bible knowledge...but doesn't Jesus play a pretty big role in that book? No wonder he liked reading it...

Day 14 - LUNCH

BOOOOO YAH

Kids love lunch today.

We're all enjoying a Grilled Ham & Cheese...This was the compromise after they asked for Mac & Cheese and the pantry was all out...

I just got my first compliment on my "gilled cheese" so thats good...

I'm washing mine down with a glass of the CEO's famous Extra Sweet Tea which should guarantee me one of two things:

- A cavity

or

- Diabetes

[UPDATE: ETHAN IS THE FIRST MEMBER OF THE "CLEAN PLATE CLUB"]

Day 14 - What The??

I just had my first, real "what the hell is going on here!?" situation present itself a moment ago...

Now, you may think that Ethan vomitting everywhere would have been that moment...but I understood that situation. I just didn't know what to do about it.

This situation was totally different. I am still confused and trying to figure it out.

First of all, I went up to check on Summer and, though she had been sleeping, she was now awake.

We go through the normal pleasantries you might share with a 3 year old girl who has been throwing up everything she puts in her body for 2 days...

Then she gets this vaguely weird look on her face as she puts her hand under her and pulls it up and looks at it.

First thought: Great, she sh*t herself and her parents bed...

Second thought: I will only clean up the mess attached to the living, breathing thing.

At this point I ask what she found and she tells me she's wet.

Now I have shifted my line of thought from "#2" over to "#1" and am way more comfortable with the clean up requirements associated with this mess.

So I pick her up, move her to the side, and pull back the covers.

ENORMOUS WET MARK.

The sheets are this off-white, almost beige color and when mixed with the drying liquid it looks like a giant copy of the original Declaration of Independence...

Naturally, I do what any other human would do...I smell it to see if its pee.

It is odorless.

Hmmmm...So now I decide I should come up with possibilities and work backwards...These possibilities are:

1) She peed.

2) She was running a fever and started sweating like an overweight NBA player...

3) She fell asleep with her sippy cup next to her and its contents seeped out while she slept.

Because I majored in journalism and not "investigative journalism" I am no longer too worried about this...I believe her sippy cup spilled so that saved me the trouble of beating her for peeing the bed...which was nice!

(Just kidding I would never lay a hand on these kids...noone likes a child beater - spread the word...)

Anyways...I'm going with option 3

PS - CEO/CFO you guys might want to change your sheets tonight...

Day 14 - The MannyBag

Hey folks,

I'd really like to do another MannyBag tomorrow and I have a good amount of questions but if anyone has anything they would really like to know - please shoot me an email at MrNannyBlog@gmail.com

ALSO, there is a new poll up on the right hand side concerning advertisements and whether I would be sacrificing what little bit of integrity I may have by putting up ad's to augment my salary...

[UPDATE: If you voted "Bad Idea" in regard to my placing advertisements on the blog would you be willing to email me at MrNannyBlog@gmail.com just to say why I should not place ads. I don't ask this so I can confront you for wanting to keep me poor...I say this so I can make sure I think about everything before making a decision. I'm 100% torn. Thanks...]

So weigh in if you don't mind...And once again, thank you for reading...

Your Friend,

The Manny

Day 14 - A Recycled Story

Truth be told, yesterday I didn't even think to tell this story but when I got home I told my sister about it and she felt it was blog worthy...so since we're sitting around right now enjoying a thrilling episode of "Handy Manny" I'm going to tell you guys what happened...

(PS - Wilmer Valderama is mailing this performance in...He sounds absolutely thrilled with the turn his career has taken...You can almost hear him wishing for Yo Mama to come back to MTV)

Anyways, what follows is the Superhero Story:

Yesterday it became readily apparent to anyone with a beating heart that the boys were suffering from cabin fever and getting stir crazy...As in, it was starting to freak them out...Randomly, they started throwing things around and running into each other...Something had to give I figured...

So the first thing I did was have them clean up their play area before they could have their snack. This whole "bribing the kids" thing worked beautifully and I strongly recommend it...

Once everything was sufficiently clean, including my shoes (I'm joking they didn't shine my shoes...just picked the rocks out from the soles) we proceeded to enjoy our snack of graham crackers.

Then, being the really nice guy I am, I asked them the following question:

Me: "Hey guys, if you were a superhero what kind of power would you want to have?"

Owen: "I wan't to have twetching power!" (this part comes out in a way I couldn't understand so I did my best to recreate the phonetic spelling...)

Me: "What?"

Owen: "Twetching..."

Me: "I don't know what you just said?"

Ethan: (Frustrated) "He wants stwetchin power"

Owen: (Seeing the light...) "Yeah...stwetchin...like this (and at this moment he fully extends his arm in a way that suggests he wants his arm to keep extending outward Gadget style)

Me: "Ohhhh...you want to be able to stretch? Alright, I can do that...What about you Ethan?"

Ethan: "Uhhh...Uhhh...I...Bictor...I...Uhhh...I want Porcupine powers"

(Note: Lately, his new favorite character is Porcupine from Tigger & Pooh)

Me: "Alright, Porcupine powers...I can do that...So I'll give you thorns that when you get angry you can fight with..."

Ethan: (Appalled) "Noooooo...Porcupine on Tigger & Pooh is good..."

Me: "Right right...you'll be good...its only in case someone tries to hurt you..."

Ethan: "Owwwwwight"

I wish I had a scanner because then I could show you these masterpiece drawings...I mean, one day after I die, they'll be in the Louvre most likely...but then you'll have to pay, which would really suck.

Either way, "Stretch-O" and "Porcupin-Ethan" were big hits.

I'm not going to lie - I was pretty proud of myself...

Day 14 - Brown Is The New Blue

Seriously - Other than Ethan & Owen - what kid in America likes to color on brown construction paper?

I was always of the mindset that brown was a worthless addition to the construction paper package...I mean, what can you do with brown other than draw a monkey or cut out a tree trunk?

However, it seems like in this house the favorites are purple and brown...so that's pretty cool...

On an unrelated note, I'm going to test these kids to see if they're color blind...

Day 14 - Ethan Asks A Question

Ethan (to his Dad/CEO): "Dad...Dad...Excuse me (myself and the CEO are deep in a discussion about the news that the Cowboys have cut Terrell Owens)...Excccuuuuuuse me???"

CEO: "Yeah buddy sorry whats up?"

Ethan: "Da..Dad...when is Momma going to stop work?"

The CEO & I laugh. By the look on Ethan's face this was not the reaction he was hoping for.

CEO: "Uhh...I dunno buddy"

Ethan: "Owwwwwight"

Day 14 - Reverse Fakeout/Taking Home My Work

First of all, Summer is sick. Again.

Just when we ALL thought we were out in the clear too...Dagger!

Anyways, I arrived this morning with two things purchased on my own time: 3 movies and 3 Ring Pops (Little Einstein's/Blue Raspberry for Ethan, X-Men/Cherry for Owen, Disney Princess Enchanted Tales/Purple for Summer)...

Now, it didn't dawn on me until my sister laughed but I was doing work stuff on my own time for the first time in my life...Sure, I was doing it to alleviate some of the stress that accompanies taking three kids under the age of 5 to Blockbuster but however you look at it, I was working overtime...

That being said, if you were a parent taking your kid through the Kid movie aisles at Blockbuster and encountered an unshaven 25 year old in sweats how would you feel?

People were not afraid to throw me some wild looks and hustle their kid's selection up...

Even the guy at the cash register seemed confused when I walked up with the 3 movies I settled on. What can I say? That's what I get for being a male nanny...

Day 13 - FAKEOUT

I'm starting to think Summer is completely fine.

On my watch she has not thrown up. I refuse to believe she has what struck myself or Ethan because if she did she should have thrown up another 4-5 times if fair is fair...

On top of this, while she has not moved, she looks completely fine and peaceful upstairs...almost as though she knows she feels better but realizes its smarter to keep milking the preferential treatment.

In a way, I can't blame her...She's constantly with two other people...I feel like they all relish their own private times whenever they can get them...

So I will let her milk this from the comfort of the bed Upper Management share...

Day 13 - That Confuses Me Too

Ethan and I are in the kitchen when he asked me where Owen was...

I respond with "In the living room."

Ethan asks me which room is the living room...

I point and he asks me the following:

"You mean the family room?"

I ALWAYS get those two things confused...that and whether it was Eddie Murphy or Hugh Grant who picked up a tranny (It was Eddie...)

Day 13 - Comatose Summer

I'm half alarmed but 100% thankful that Summer hasn't moved since I walked into the office this morning...

This is wild...However, at least with Summer (unlike with Ethan) I now know that feeding her would be a bad idea until the sickness has passed...

Day 13 - How To Freak Ethan Out

Earlier, I burped. Despite having used the blog to try and convince you otherwise, I am not perfect so these things will happen from time to time...

Deal with it.

However, when I did, Ethan became alarmed and interpreted this as a sign that I might puke at any moment...

So, fast forward an hour or so and Ethan lets out a pretty hearty burp...Loud enough that we all stopped and looked over at him and he smiled at us...

As a joke I told him it sounded like he was getting pukey.

He did not appreciate this.

"NO BICTOR!...Suntimes peeble just burp"

Lesson: Ethan did not enjoy his bout with vomiting...

Day 13 - I'm Starting to Forget Days

I keep wanting to type in a different day...I can't wait for Day 43...I'm already running out of titles that somehow seem fitting...

Great.

Anyways, this post is pretty much to provide a status update:

Summer wants absolutely nothing to do with me today. I mean, nothing at all. A few minutes ago I went up to check on her and she wouldn't even respond to me...She just stared at the TV from her cocoon of pillows and blankets (complete with a bucket behind her in case she has an emergency).

Ethan has been hilarious about her being sick because he now understands it could mean bad news for him. The CEO was telling me Ethan asked a few times if he would also get sick now...Welp, the CEO didn't properly explain in a way Ethan understood or trusted because we just had this conversation:

Ethan - "hey...hey...hey Bictor...can I hab some juice...and...and...am I gonna...get sick again, bictor?"

Me - "Nah buddy you're good..."

Ethan - "Well...well...how did I get sick then?"

Me - "You got a virus"

Ethan - "what's a vi-ray-us?"

Me - "it's like a little bug you can't see that makes you sick...but once you get it, you can't get it again..."

Ethan - "well...Th-th-that's good"

Now, let me be clear: I have no idea if that is true or not...But, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to say which should sufficiently explain why I said it...

Owen has been playing by himself all morning with action figures...As long as he doesn't start throwing up everything is good...

Be back soon...

Day 13 - Slow Day

I realize at this point some of you are 2 hours into your day and may have checked the site once or twice...If this pertains to you then I'm sorry...

However, today might be a bit slow due to a couple factors

1) There is still snow on the ground making everything more difficult than needed...

2) I feel awful...

3) Summer has apparently contracted Ethan's sickness...It struck last night and has continued into the morning...

So, needless to say, I'm super friggin excited about today!

Day 12 - A Fort Is Vastly Overrated

I spent an inordinate amount of time building these kids a fort/tent/whatever...

For whatever reason, as a kid, I loved forts and I was terrified of our car running out of gas. Those were two of my things. Only one applies here but yeah...anyways, needless to say, I was really into the fort construction.

In an effort to really knock it out of the park I'm trying to use what little bit of geometry I ever learned in addition to a blend of logic and "Man I hope this cushion doesn't fall" so, all in all, it was a questionable process...

One minute, I'm wedging cushions into gaps in the couches and trying to manipulate these foam tubes into the shape I'm going for (a tower) and the next minute I'm trying to drape a blanket over the top ever so gently.

I was well on my way to becoming the Frank Lloyd Wright of fort building...the future was bright...

Naturally, once I completed my masterpiece of a fort - using both the couch cushions and the fort building set - the kids decide to just bring it down...without a hint of remorse.

Laughter fills the room.

If my look could kill, I would not be welcome to any more family get togethers...

Day 12 - The First Time Out

Remember when I described Ethan's random acts of violence?

It happened again!

This time, we were building a fort/tent/"billage" out of this elaborate fort/tent set that includes a bunch of foam tubes and connectors and such...Very cool stuff.

That being said, these connectors are hard plastic with magnets inside. They're kind of heavy and, when attached to the end of a foam tube, can make for a serious weapon...

Our first try at building a fort/tent was worthless. I realize again why I didn't pursue engineering...

As I'm breaking down this joke of an attempt I have thrown out there (all three kids are looking at me like I am the most unimpressive person they have ever seen) I turn my back and then I hear a nice hearty "crack."

Without turning I already knew it was a connector knocking against a skull...What I didn't know yet was who was responsible.

One look at Owen grimacing (openly trying his best not to cry) with a hand on his head and one look at Ethan with a dazed "what just happened" look on his face says it all.

In CLUE fashion it would be: Ethan, in the living room, with the connector.

I would say that the majority of time I'm pretty good with the kids provided no one is throwing up repeatedly but I didn't know what to do. It was clear, without a doubt, that Ethan felt bad and it was clear he didn't have a reason for clocking Owen but I couldn't let this slide.

Ethan had to go to Time Out.

I took him into a different room, sat him down, waited for him to stop sobbing and then I explained how he can't hit people even though it might seem like a good idea.

(in between sobs) I...I....I....Bic...Bictor...I'm Sowwwwwwy (more sobs)"

"That doesn't make it OK though, does it?"

"Noooo"

Alright...

I think he was in Time Out for maybe 3 minutes before I figured he had learned...He came in and had this exchange

(Owen's sitting on the couch)

Ethan: "I...I'm sowwwy Owen...Owen...(tapping Owen who is ignoring him)...Owen, my brother, I...I'm sowwy"

Me: "Owen, he said he's sorry, what do you say?"

Owen: (Obviously pissed still) "OK Ethan..."

Day 12 - Convo with Owen

"Hey Owen, you wanna make a fort?"

"Yea!"

"OK well go get your siblings..."

"Sibwings? What are sibwings?"

"Uhhh...well what do you call Ethan & Summer?"

"Ethan & Sumer..."

"Alright go get those two then..."

Day 12 - Lunch

We're eating Macaroni & Cheese with a side of Goldfish for lunch.

I don't even want to know how much orange dye is in either product.

[UPDATE: Cool. The kids crushed their Goldfish on top of their Mac & Cheese thereby barely eating any...I'm going to be militant about the snacking situation from here on out.]

Day 12 - Evil Ethan

Ethan is one of the sweetest kids you'll meet almost always...But he has these weird moments where its almost as if he blacks out and lets someone else drive the car...

Generally, you can practically see the wheels turn in his head as he shifts from "sweet" to "salty" and decides to wreck someone...

The sofa is an L shaped one complete with two ottomans. Summer has the ottomans set up making a runway/plank/stage off the couch...Out of the corner of my eye she's standing on this doing whatever a 3 year old girl imagines herself doing...Probably thinking about what it would be like to be a sniper.

(just kidding)

Anyways, for some unknown reason and without any provoking by Summer, I see Ethan just roll up and clock her with a pillow "American Gladiator" style...knocking her off this makeshift island she has created. Summer does a variation of the Stop, Drop, & Roll (this variation replaced fire with getting blindsided by your brother) and immediately cries.

I leap into action and ask Ethan why he pushed her.

Now they're both crying. See what I mean? It was like he didn't even know why he hit her...

He was like someone picking their booger at a stop light: He didn't even know what he was doing but once he got caught he realized it was pretty nasty.

All is well now...However, we're low on milk and out of Hershey's chocolate sauce...I'm looking forward to breaking the "no more chocolate milk" news to them...

Day 12 - Really guys?

After 20 minutes of snow preparation...Which includes a double layer of everything (socks, pants, shirts) plus a jacket, gloves, hats, and boots...

We go outside.

It takes 10 minutes for the snow to work its way into Summers glove. At the 11 minute mark Ethan is annoyed because his cloth gloves - the pair he prefers over the more beneficial waterproof variety - are now covered in ice and soaking wet. He looks furious.

Owen is just snorting up his own snot at such a record pace I'm half alarmed, half impressed.

First Thought: That can't be healthy

Second Thought: No need for a snack today...

Either way - I'm over the snow.

Day 12 - The World of Snow

In the world of Snow it goes like this:

Real Snow beats Snow (the rapper) 90% of the time (losses include 90's parties or white rapper appreciation gatherings)

Real Snow beats Eric Snow (the basketball player) 95% of the time (losses include when the Philadelphia 76ers went to the Finals and whenever Eric Snow makes an awkward appearance on Real Housewives of Atlanta)

Real Snow beats Making Masks 100% of the time.

PS - I hate snow...its fun for about 12 hours. I'd rather wear shorts.

Day 12 - Snow Is Annoying

Hello friends.

I'm back at work...which is nice because I feel like over the past week I've barely been here...

This morning started with me trying to dig my car out of the snow...which was fantastic because I didn't leave my house yesterday ensuring that the mixture of all day snow and overnight low of 11 created a nice, healthy, thick crust of snow caked over my entire vehicle.

Between that and the fact I somehow ripped my door handle off a couple weeks ago I had to get in my car from the backseat, hold the interior door handle open and kick with my right leg over the driver's side seat...

TAAADDDDDAAA

I got my door open.

Fast forward through me uncovering my vehicle, sweating, digging out a path for my tires, sweating, slipping on ice because I have plastic bags over my shoes since I'm not properly prepared for snow, sweating, and then getting in my car and sweating some more...I got to the office.

Two of my coworkers were outside just walking around...Ethan was upstairs doing god knows what.

I walked outside and both Summer & Owen were clearly happy to see me. Again, how happy were your coworkers today to see you? I bet not that happy...I also ask who of you walked into your office to see one of your coworkers with an inch of snot hanging off his nose?

Thought so suckers...

Anyways, I'm looking forward to a good day...I'd like to go sledding but I don't want to run into any punk high school kids...I think we're going to sled, make some masks (Owen's been DYING for a Captain America mask) and then build a fort because apparently the Company has access to this crazy erector set thingamajigger for building forts...This naturally has me all sorts of fired up because I LOVE building forts...

Mood Updates:

Summer - Stellar

Ethan - Lively

Owen - Funny

Game on...

Day 11 - Snow Day

So for those of you who don't live in Richmond and, therefore, are unaware of how things work around here let me bring you up to speed.

Generally, if it snows an inch or two everything shuts down for half a day.

Between yesterday and today it has snowed a solid 10 inches...So I'm not at work. No one is at work. There is no bread or milk at the grocery stores. People are calling one another and having this conversation:

Person 1 - "This is really crazy!"
Person 2 - "I know! I mean this is crazy"

Both the CEO and CFO are taking care of the office and I'm On-Call if anything changes.

Anyways, to ease the pain here's a song in honor of the Snow day...