Day 41 - Seriously Buddy!?

Before we left to take Ethan to his exercise class I noticed Owen picking his nose...

And then, much to my horror and dismay, the finger rummaging around in his nose promptly entered his mouth.

As he smiled at me.

To avoid this situation in the future, I told my standard lie:

"Whoa...Don't ever eat your boogers...It WILL absolutely make you throw up..."

- Other Highlights:

• Summer & Ethan are dressed in normal clothes. Owen requested that he remain in his PJ's...Which is not a problem for me...Aside from the fact his pajama bottoms make him look like one of those Euro guys wearing Capri pants.I asked him what that was all about and apparently he's been growing. Which is good...

• Summer is currently in a dress and she looks very prissy...Unfortunately, when she was complimented on said dress her initial reaction was to lift it up and show off her underpants. This led to damage control and my telling Summer that good girls don't lift their dresses when they get a compliment...
  

• The last time Ethan had exercise I showed up 10 minutes late because, you know, I'm taking care of 3 kids and sometimes they don't exactly make things easy on me...When I showed up Ethan's instructors gave me some sarcastic business about whether I took a nap or not...Well guess what ladies, now that I know y'all read the blog I'm putting you on blast: Way to make me wait 20 minutes today! (PS- How do I know they read the blog? Because they called me "Bictor" and only blog readers say that...GOTCHA!)

Alright, we're going to go play X-Men where I inevitably get shafted and get the worst character possible who doesn't do anything cool.

Day 41 - Jackpot

Did I forget to eat breakfast?

Yes.

Do they have leftover pizza from last night in the fridge??

YES!!!

Day 41 - Yeah Boyyyy

Lately, the boss man has been instituting some changes to the rules that inadvertently help me out...

For example, last week he broke out the "No Crayons On the Ground" rule after one too many Ruby Red's ended up in between the grooves of his tennis shoes...

I'm a huge fan of this rule because by Friday this place would resemble a colorful war zone (you know, if crayons were bullets)...Plus, cleaning up burns a good 15-20 minutes and I can always dangle a terribly drawn picture of Cyclops or Wolverine as incentive. (I do this while Summer naps so I don't have to draw princesses because dresses and girl hair are hard as crap to draw...)

Today, the new rule is no one can eat in the living (family?) room...Apparently, the company had the carpet in that room steam cleaned and now that it's sterilized they want to keep it that way.

Needless to say, I'm Downtown Julie Brown with that idea since it just reduces the places I could potentially find a half eaten pop tart or Chewy granola bar...Or hell, even pudding for that matter...

Day 40 - Deep Questions

"Why did God make whistles?"

- Owen

Day 40 - ADs

Some of you may have noticed that I've added advertisements to the site...

I'm having a blast looking at them as they change...

Earlier they were all about babies and diapers and such...Now, there's one for Chuck Norris t-shirts...

There is literally no way to know whats coming next...I'm on the edge of my seat like after my last date a few months ago when the girl never answered my follow up call...

Day 40 - Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

For some unknown reason, today is the second day in a row that I've found a bar of soap in Summer's bed as I put her down for a nap...

I have no idea why she keeps putting bars of soap in her bed...

Day 40 - My First Post (Today)

For those of you who have been checking the site, cursing me out in your head as you continuously hit F5 to refresh the page hoping that I've updated...Sorry...

Just a few stories:

1) I walked in this morning and on a paper plate the CFO had left me a note

"Please let the kids blow bubbles on the deck! Thanks!:)"

I laughed because I don't know what the kids tell her but I would LOVE to let them go outside...Are you kidding me? I'm so sick of rain I was about to freak out, go the voodoo route and sacrifice some live animals out back...Like Pia, the neighbors cat just barely escaped death. I'm not even kidding right now. When they play outside the only negative is they all come in smelling like a locker room. Otherwise? Game on.

2) For some reason - I'm assuming it's a combination of the fact that I'm younger, the kids are cool, and my role is unique like my being a male nurse would be - all the teachers know me. I don't know them but they ALL say hello to me by name. Which would freak me out if I didn't secretly want to gain some level of fame off this blog. Now, I'm not talking about Lindsay Lohan (complete with car accidents, cocaine addiction and bi-sexual experiences) fame...But I wouldn't mind getting a free sub or something from time to time, you know?

Anyway, that's really all I got - these women all say hey to me...Which is pretty cool. I love watching real parents seethe with jealousy. Sorry folks...

3) We went in a different way today which prompted Owen to LOUDLY proclaim

"WHAT THE???"

Which killed me while also leading to a few questionable glances from other people...What? He didn't finish the sentence...Let it go.

4) I'm going to leave the CFO a note today on a paper plate

"Boss - They came back over to me after 5 minutes and said they don't like bubbles. Sincerely, Employee."

This surprised me...I figured they would go nuts...Nope...Apparently bubbles kind of suck when you have to do it for yourself and your hands end up all sticky...

Alright, I'll be back in a bit.

Day 39 - Summer Being Summer

Much like Manny Ramirez, you can explain Summer by repeating her name. It only works for a few select individuals...Generally, its reserved for greatness...

Like, "Oh, that's just Prince being Prince" or "Manny being Manny" etc etc...

So on the ride home, Summer is just being Summer and being sassy for the sake of sassiness.

We stop and get some food and she doesn't like how it smells in the car.

I stop to get gas and she complains about the gas smell...

Jokingly, I ask the boys how they might feel if I put Summer in a box when we get home and send her somewhere far away.

Owen is unfazed as all he says is "Okay" and looks out the window...

But Ethan? He says the following in the most relaxed way possible with a smile on his face...

"No, or we'll kill you"

I lose it. Something about a death threat from a 4 year old that gets the old laugh factory churning away...

Day 39 - The Ride Back From School

On Wednesdays, I don't get out of the car to get the kids...I just hold up a number (not telling you which number but I will say its the jersey number of a retired NBA star...so good luck figuring that one out)

Anyway, the school does whatever they do and eventually out pop the kids on the curb...It's really impressive actually that they have never given me some kid that doesn't belong to me...Like the random girl in E&O's class who somehow knows my name and talks to me Tuesday-Thursday.

But I digress, today they send the kids out and while I wait for the cars in front of me to move out of the way I wave to Owen and Ethan.

Owen casually throws back my way an awesome "Here's looking at you, kid" finger point...

You know what? I'm not the least bit upset that the kid I take care of is way cooler than me...Not at all.

Day 39 - She Deserves A Shout Out

So since the CEO's brother selfishly decided to move to Tennessee for a better job thereby taking his wife and daughter (my goddaughter) with him...I don't really get to see Bella (the GD) all that often...

Luckily, they remembered to bring her back with them for Easter this past weekend and someone snagged a picture of she and I staring at our family because, well, if you met my family you would stop and stare too... (Joking...love you Mom)

Now, you're probably thinking "Wait, she isnt Ethan, Owen, or Summer..." and you would be right.

But I don't care. They trusted ME to be her godfather (yeah, me!) so the least I can do is get her some blog time...


By the way: I'm kidding about my cousin being selfish...Just for those of you who haven't picked up on my excessive use of sarcasm yet...

Day 39 - Why Are You Telling Me This?

Every single time Summer has to pee she tells me.

I have no earthly idea why though because it's not like she needs my help...

So we'll be sitting there and she'll go

"Bictor, I have to go peepee"

"Alright, well then why are you sitting there? Go pee"

And then she hustles off and pees...

It's really confusing to me...As though she expects me to play some integral role in the emptying of her bladder.

Day 39 - Music

As many of you know we listen to a LOT of my buddy Garrett's music.

Like too much of his music. To the point that although I'm a big fan of his...I have to lie to the kids for my own well being and say I don't have his band's CD in the car...

Today, because I made a new mix CD, I pulled that lie out and reused it.

Luckily, they were convinced a couple of the people on the mix were Garewet which was huge...

So THIS SONG has become a new favorite in the car and I'm 100% cool with it.

Day 39 - The Trip To School

2 stories and a "Is this seriously my life?" moment from last night:

1) Normally, I let the kids pick their shoes which results in E&O wearing the same Spiderman light up shoes like always...Summer is the only one who ever picks a different pair.

Again, typical right?

However, today Summer throws a Tim Wakefield knuckleball at me and picks up a pair of shoes I have never seen before...

Now, they perfectly match her outfit so I assume that was the reason behind the pick.

I thought wrong.

These shoes squeak. So imagine a pair of LA Gear light up shoes...and then replace the flashing lights with a squeak like you hear coming out of one of those bike horns kids have...

And then imagine that sound happening every time she takes a step.

Every. Single. Step.

Naturally, as were walking into the school I have parents walking by me laughing...Not at the squeaks...They're laughing because they can hear me telling her that we're taking off those shoes as soon as we get home.

On our way out I pick Summer up (to avoid the squeak) and a teacher asks me if that was her with the squeaky shoes...

I say yes.

She replies "Bless your heart. Have fun with that!"

Thanks lady...

2) On the ride home, I'm talking to Summer and listening to music like always when I decide to butter her up.

I ask her if she knows who the prettiest girl I know is...She says nope.

"Well, you're the prettiest girl I know Summer!"

"No I'm not Bictor...I'm not even waywing a dwess..."

Alright. Fair enough.

3) The "Is this seriously my life?" moment:

Last night I'm sitting on the couch with my sister when I cross my leg...At that point, Martha (aka Tica) tells me I have crap on the bottom of my shoe.

Like every other person would, I check my shoe.

Nope...It's not crap...It's play-doh.

So if you're keeping score at home I'm 25 years old and I have play-doh stuck on the bottom of my shoe...and I absolutely did not anticipate this happening to me when I was in college...

Is this SERIOUSLY my life? Yeah...It is.

Day 38 - Now that was funny...

Summer is down for her nap.

Owen made a little raft out of couch cushions and was watching his new Batman DVD when he passed out...just like yesterday...

So, once again, it's just me and E hanging out...

Since he has it, he asked me to put his X-Men movie on while he played with playdoh simply out of principle...

I could tell that he was kind of bored though so I drew him a two-sided picture (which will result in my having to do the same thing for the other two later today) of a normal kid and then the normal kid as a superhero.

We settled on the alter ego being known as "Crazy Kid" who shoots fireballs...

It's pretty cool.

At this point, he ambles on over to the kids small table and grabs his crayons and proceeds to sit down...

Now, what he didn't notice was that his green chair was turned around so the back was to him...and with a brief glance it could appear to be in the correct position...

Unfortunately, it was not.

His body just jackhammers onto the floor...and he looks at me stunned...Not hurt stunned...more like a "What the hell just happened to me?" stunned.

And all I could do was laugh under my breath and help him up...

Day 38 - Holy Crap

I am so unbelievably mad at Blockbuster.

Earlier, I went to Blockbuster to return the kids movies and pick up 3 more...The guy behind the counter tells me I can rent the movies for 1 night at the low price of $1 for one night or five nights for $4...Here is the conversation that followed:

Way too old to be working at Blockbuster cashier: Sir, we have changed our policy and the price is now $1 for 1 night or $4 for 5 nights"

Me: "Wait, so kids movies are no longer $1.99?"

Way too old to be working at Blockbuster cashier: "You can rent for one night at one dollar or 4 dollars for 5 nights"

He says this with a trace of attitude which makes me want to reach across the counter and punch him in the face before assuring him his mother is really proud of him.

However, because I don't do push ups or go to the gym...I swiped my credit card and cursed in my head over and over again...

Really Blockbuster? You upped the price on kids movies from $2 for 5 days to $4 for 5 days?

Seriously!?

SO the weekly movie trip has jumped from $6 a week to $12 and you know what? I'm not happy about it...And it's not about the price...its the principle of it all...

Screw you Blockbuster and your "oooh the economy is hurting us" approach...

Know what I say to that?

Bullshit! Show me your cards...

I don't have sympathy for a company who took advantage of their customers left and right for years resulting in a class action lawsuit...Not to mention how they drove out every Video World and mom & pop shop in the country...

So guess what you made me do Blockbuster - I'm going to check out Hollywood Video...

Again, it's not about the price...its the principle of a 100% price increase in the span of a week...That's bush league. Subway is practically giving away footlongs and Blockbuster has the audacity to up their prices?

KISS MY ASS BLOCKBUSTER!

Day 38 - The Ride Back From School

Summer was tormenting Ethan by saying I was PaPa (I think that's what she was saying at least...which would be their grandfather's name)...

Ethan was growing increasingly annoyed with her and finally blurts out

"Papa doesn't have black hair!"

To which Owen replied

"Papa doesn't have any hair...He has a lightbulb head"

That killed me. A LIGHTBULB HEAD? Are you serious??

Day 38 - A Suggestion From Bictor

To be honest, I don't like blogs.

There is something inherently egotistical about writing down your thoughts and wanting people to read them...and agree with you...I don't mind blogs that are informative...But I once worked with this lady who would blog all the time about politics. Usually, she wrote about her thoughts on Israel v. Palestine and - because that's obviously a serious topic - it pissed me off because she would talk to me about it in addition to blogging nonstop.

It was like "Lady, stop talking and start copying so I can go home and play Madden..."

Anyway, since that's my general feeling, I made myself a promise that I would only use this blog for entertainment purposes and not to push my own personal agenda...That the kids and my experience with them would be the #1 objective.

However, I am going to break my own rule right now and point you loyal "Mannyiacs" in the direction of two blogs I really truly enjoy...

The first is a good friend of mine who currently lives in New York City...I will say that, by and large, ladies will appreciate it more because she's big into the fashion side of things...But I really enjoy her general style and such so I felt like I should share my readers with her...If we didn't go to the same high school I wouldn't share but she's a good egg...So why not, right?

www.laurenedelstein.blogspot.com

The second is a bit different. I don't know this guy...But I love his blog. Since I did one for the ladies this one is more for the guys but - as with the first shout out, both sexes can enjoy it...It's a blog written by the 12th man (as in the last guy on the bench who never plays) for Ohio State's basketball team and I really can't vouch for it enough. I genuinely enjoy the hell out of it.

www.clubtrillion.blogspot.com

Alright...So there it is. I have gone and pimped out the only two blogs I actually read.

Now that I've broken my own rule, I'm going to put myself in time-out for a bit...I'll be back later today but while you wait definitely hit up those other blogs...I don't think you'll be disappointed and if you are then color me flattered that you like my blog.

- V

Day 38 - Lil Ronaldinho

So yesterday the kids had a soccer game...because I had plans I didn't go but I definitely need to...

I asked the CEO to keep stats because we fully expected Owen to go nuts on these kids...

See, Ethan has superior people skills...He literally melts people down with his charm. Summer, meanwhile, plays the part of baby girl perfectly by being sassy as can be and painfully cute...Owen has always been the most shy but he's also the most physically impressive - He's big for his age and as fast as he is strong...

As such, both the CEO and myself were excited to see what would happen when he was unleashed on the "pitch" (which is a ridiculous name for field)...

Naturally, he went and picked up a hat trick (3 goals for the uninformed) in his first game...and, according to the CEO, he has wicked kick moves. I assume it resembles his super hero juke moves he likes to throw in the living room. So, obviously, I need to go to the next game and take some real notes for you folks...

Unfortunately, Summer & Ethan failed to score...Owen actually said:

"Ethan & Summer didn't help me but it's OK...we still won"

Which I, of course, thought was a brilliant observation.

Sometimes you just have to know when to take over.

Day 37 - Sugar Crash

Owen just passed out sitting straight up on the couch...I can hear him snore from the kitchen.

Every time I walk in the living room Ethan looks at Owen and laughs.

Day 37 - Grrreeeaaattt....

I'm not going to lie: In the war between myself and a whole bunch of the Easter candy surrounding me...well, lets just say there are going to be some casualties.

And the Neapolitan (chocalate/vanilla/strawberry flavored) chocolates might be going down first...

[UPDATE] OH WELL HELLOOOOOO STARBURSTS...You're Gone!

Day 37 - Ignore Me

Alright...so yesterday during our Easter shindig Ethan wanted to try on my sunglasses...

Being that I have a much larger head than his, there was no chance the ensuing picture(s) wouldn't be funny...

THANKS to my sister Martha (aka Tica) for the photos...Well done.

PS - In the first photo he's pretending to be Cyclops from X-Men

PPS - No...I don't know why I look scared in the second picture...

Day 37 - New Goal

Teaching the kids how to dance like this little rat...

Day 37 - You Would Think...

By now, you might assume I would learn to look before speaking...but being who I am that's about as likely as me getting dates off this blog.

Today, I got the kids all riled up with the promise of a trip to Blockbuster for some new movies...Between the candy and the idea of hitting the movie store their heart rate was dangerously high...

Naturally, I get them all dressed and we proceed outside...Only to discover that the car seats arent in the shed like they normally are...

Great!

Now, we're just watching this random guy cut back the bushes surrounding the house/office...

Which is pretty exciting if I didn't, you know, have a pulse and all.

Day 37 - I'm Thinking I'm Too Old For This

These kids are fired up today...

Summer is in an awesome mood as are the boys...

All three are wearing the t-shirts their grandma (my aunt Betty) made them...

Each shirt looks like this:

Owen - A picture of Spiderman and the phrase "Owen's Favorite Character"

Ethan - A picture of Pablo (from Backyardigans) and the phrase "Ethan's Favorite Character"

Summer - A picture of Disney princesses and the phrase "Summer's Favorite Characters"

So aside from wearing really cool custom t-shirts...we're also giving creeps and pedo's a cheat sheet for luring these kids into a 1987 Buick Oldsmobile.

Needless to say, I'm on high alert today...

Day 37 - Black Monday

You know how the Friday following Thanksgiving is known across the country as "Black Friday" because of the sales and such?

I believe strongly that every nanny in America is embarking on their own version - called "Black Monday."

Why? Because these kids are all sorts of hopped up on candy...

By the way: Whose idea was it to put whistles in eggs? I know I was at the office Saturday night helping the bosses pack eggs but I don't recall anyone putting whistles in them...

I recall suggesting - just for laughs - putting an egg yolk in one...But CFO nixed that because of the high probability of someone getting salmonella poisoning...

But a whistle!?! Really?

Not. Cool.

Anyway, I'm going on a "Hide the candy" mission as you read this...

Day 36 - Good? No It's Great...

You know why today is Good Friday??

Because the CFO let me have the day off!

Someone is in his bed thanking every single character from the Bible...

Day 35 - I wish I was still that creative

Owen is next to me playing with a Spiderman figurine and having a full blown conversation with himself...

He's making special effects noises and basically carrying on like I'm not here...

Although he realized I was listening to him when he knocked over a cookbook and said to no one in particular

"What the!?"

Why wouldn't I laugh? I say that all the time...I'm half wondering if he got it from me.

Day 35 - Who Are These Kids??

That's it.

Something is officially up with the coworkers...They may or may not be aliens.

It's like the bosses bribed my coworkers or something because this week has been an exercise in Ass-Kissing.

The 3 most popular phrases so far this week have been:

- "I love you Bictor"

- "Thanks Bictor"

- "Summer, stop being a tattletale"

I just gave the kids their chicken noodle soup (heads up to the bosses - Stock the company pantry before these kids freak out and go Lord of the Flies on me...please. Thanks.) and Owen goes

"Mmmmm yummmy. Thanks for making our lunch Victor"

Normally, they don't thank me for feeding them - nor should they since its part of the job - but they've been hilarious...

Right now, they're just repeating different things they love to try and make me laugh...

I'm pretty sure Ethan locked up First Place when he said "I love your feet..."

That one killed me.

Day 35 - 10K

I just realized this site crossed the 10 thousand hits threshold...

So, at this moment, I would like to genuinely thank all 18 of you who have clicked on this site 10 thousand times in the last couple months...

Meanwhile, I just heard Summer start crying and Owen taunting her:

"Tattletale! Tattletale!"

Great...I unintentionally have introduced ghetto rules to the suburbs...

Oh well. As long as no one puts a shank in anyone's belly we're good to go...

Anyway, THANK YOU for reading...I can't say it enough.

Your friend,

Victor

Day 35 - Vultures

Some of you may be wondering why I haven't posted...and by "wondering" I mean emailing me and such...

Well, that's because we haven't done much today. As a matter of fact, they've been upstairs doing God knows what for a while actually...

Although that isn't entirely true because Ethan did just come down to tell me Summer & Owen have their shirts off...I tell him that it's OK by me...So he asked me to take his shirt off too.

Whatever tickles your feet kid...

Day 34 - The BK Experience

Being that it's Spring Break (Note to the CFO - My coworkers were laughing at you this morning because you forgot they don't have school this week...) I feel extra pressure to not bore these kids out of their developing minds...

Naturally, my first thought was a 2 for 1 in which we get lunch and expend energy...So I drove towards McDonald's where, upon our arrival and much to my chagrin, I find that they do NOT have a play area.

However, they do have a piano that plays itself which would be great if I was 86 years old.

So, since there is a Burger King next door with a giant play structure and because I appreciate Kings (Elvis, Lebron, Of Leon, etc.) we head that way...

As always, it takes a few minutes to figure out what everyone wants...Generally, Summer follows Owen and does whatever he wants (which I've yet to figure out why she follows him as much as she does...its odd really...I mean Ethan is technically older and they are twins...plus Ethan is more affectionate with her but whatever)...

Anyway, we get 2 orders of nuggets and a Cheeseburger...The lady behind the counter couldn't suck more. Really. She was awful in every way imaginable.

Look, I apologize the game of Life led you to serving me at a fast food restaurant but cheer the eff up and smile with your 3 teeth sweetheart...Seriously.

Summer does her bossy bit about getting dip so we had a little chat about how being bossy isn't the way to win me over...She says OK but I know for a fact she forgot that lesson in .5 seconds.

While we eat I take note of just how depressing the clientele at a Burger King is...Not even a joke - Next time look around while you eat and you'll notice it too...

As we're eating though, I notice Myra at the counter forgot the kids toys...So I go back up to ask for them and she starts to argue with me about giving them to me...I tell her she can check my pockets and my table - I didn't get my SpongeBob toys...Cough. Them. Up.

Myra realizes i'm not kidding and does so.

Do NOT screw with a 25 year old guy watching 3 kids under the age of 5 unless you wan't to get your head slammed into the register.

After 15 minutes of trying to convince everyone to focus on their food we finish up and I unleash them into the play area.

Couple things about the play area I notice after they are inside:

1) Everyone is supposed to be 4 years or older...I have a feeling this wont be the last time Summer sneaks into a fun area while underage.

2) "Rule #6 - If you see something weird tell a manager immediately" - This completely blows my mind because it HAS to be in reference to pedophiles or bodily fluids right? What else would you consider weird in a play area? Can I tell on this weird kid staring at me?

Being that Summer is too young she's struggling to get up the tower that leads to a maze of plastic tubes designed to static shock kids every few seconds...

Look, all three of these kids are fantastic...But while Ethan is the super sweet sensitive one and Summer's the sassy one, Owen is the protector with a quick wit. Basically, when I need some assistance Owen's my man and it's funny because he's always happy to oblige when I need him.

So I pulled him over and asked him to help the others...and he did...he was like Patrick Swazye in "Red Dawn" just carrying the rest of the troops...Summer couldn't have done it without him...I was honestly beaming watching him pull her up a level and give Ethan a hand...he ran the show and he ran it well.

Now, for a while these kids were lost in this place and I'll be honest - it was pretty crazy...

The one rule I made though was that no one cry...Because it's about having fun and you never see fun mixed with tears unless they're tears of laughter...

This message was really pointed at Summer who cries more than the rest...I mean, if I want Ethan to cry I just have to seem mad but that wasn't going to happen in the ZONE.

As they're playing I realize the only way for them to come down is through the slide...So I'm calling out to them to follow my voice and try to look out these mini Cruise ship like portholes to see me point them in the right direction...and then they all froze.

The slide was daunting. I hear a LOT of talking amongst the trio...No one trusts the slide or me...

I keep saying its OK and to just go...Ethan starts talking about going headfirst which seems ballsy but whatever...

Finally, because I'm bored talking up a slide, I throw this out:

"First one down gets a dollar"

Next thing I know Ethan is sliding down on his belly, feet first, and I pull him up and he looks at me, smiles, hugs me and then goes

"Can I have my dolla now?"

Killed me. Just classic.

The others follow suit...

After this they run through one more time happily before we vacate the premises (not before getting crowns for all 3)...Sure, Summer let out a little cry at one point but I told her if she was gonna cry we all had to go...Owen quickly hushed her up...

Once we got home, they played with their Sponge Bob before I put Summer down for her nap and the boys started to watch their movies from yesterday in the CEO/CFO's bed...I went up to check on them and Ethan has passed out with half his body hanging off the bed...Owen looks at me, shrugs and smiles...

Pretty good day...but I don't think we're ever going back to Burger King.

[UPDATE: Here's a photo of E-Rock passed out]

Day 34 - Why I Haven't Posted

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted yet today...

Well, yesterday afternoon I took the kids to a Dollar Tree nearby. For those of you unfamiliar, Dollar Tree is one of those stores where everything actually does cost a dollar. Unlike some of those other establishments that call themselves a dollar store and then try and stick you with a $3.99 price tag for a yo-yo...

Personally, I always want to slap the owner of those spots but they would never be caught dead inside their own store thereby preventing them from an inevitable assault at the hands of a misled customer.

ANYWAY, after we arrive we're recognized by a blog reader (seriously)...Ethan shows her how he can spin around in a circle. She asks me if I taught him that...

Yeah, I taught him how to spin.

Moving on, we find the toy aisle...I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Aside from potentially picking up more germs than my antibiotics knew what to do with, half the toys were all mangled and beaten up...For example, I picked up a drum that I figured the kids would like...I hit the skin and my hand went through it...

So that went back on the shelf and we walked quickly to a different section...

I originally thought this trip would take 15 minutes tops.

I was wrong. This trip took 45 minutes. Before we tried to check out.

After an agonizing period of walking up and down the aisles with Ethan and Summer because neither could focus long enough to make up their mind (Owen settled on a wrestling figure after 18 seconds) I finally start to get frustrated...

"Alright, you guys have 1 minute to find your toy or I'm picking it for you"

Mad dash. E&S are scrambling. Toys are being thrown into the aisle in an effort to see everything.

At one point, Ethan borderline pushes an older lady out of his way...

The minute is up and they still haven't decided. I don't have the heart to choose...mainly because I can't decide myself.

Finally, Summer settles on one of those felt pictures you color...the package comes complete with 6 mini markers and her picture features Cinderella. SOLD.

Ethan - though a big fan of boy stuff - also has a soft spot for girly crap...So he grabs one with Tinkerbell...Owen, not to be left out, drops his Macho Man Randy Savage knock off figurine and grabs a felt picture of some character named Silvermint (which sounds like the name of a strip club...)

[Side Note: Last night I had dinner with my Mom and Sister and over a nice meal of porridge -jk, steak...we're kind of high rollers - I tell them how I tried to push the boys away from the girly objects...At which point my sister tells me I was the same way as a kid because I had a cabbage patch doll - Touche...Tica: 1, Victor: 0]

Anyway, I don't really care that they're getting these items because I'm just ecstatic to get out of the Dollar Tree...It's now 5:30 and I'm officially off-duty...

We head to check out.

Apparently, Tuesdays are when they put the D team on the registers because this was ridiculous. We were in line for 25 minutes...

Summer, at one point, looks up at me, sighs heavily and asks me whats taking so long.

I beam proudly because she said it loud enough for everyone to hear. Well played Summer, that sassy side can be used for good apparently.

Another register opens. I thank Summer.

We FINALLY check out...

As a favor to the parents, I tell my coworkers that if they want their pictures they have to be good all night. In the morning, if CEO & CFO sign off on their behavior, I'll give them their toys.

They aren't a fan of my decision but I don't care. This isn't a democracy. Until they can grow facial hair I'm calling the shots.

So this morning we colored and colored and took a break because these cheap markers kept getting winded...

Needless to say, their pictures look awesome but every single marker is now dead...But, hell, what could I expect for a dollar??

And now I'm going to go figure out what we're going to do for lunch...

Day 33 - Summer Is Killing Me

She just told me that Ethan was talking about boobies...

I've been with all 3 of them the entire day...they literally have not left my sight...

I'm pretty sure she's trying to sabotage her brothers and is pulling out all the stops...and I have no idea how to handle it.

Can you put a kid in time out for snitching? Something tells me the message would be lost in the process...

And really, what red blooded American male doesn't talk about boobies?

Day 33 - L-O-V-E

Ethan, at multiple points today, has randomly thrown out this gem -

- While putting him in his car seat: "I LOVE you Bictor"

- As I'm buttoning up his pants after he took a pee: "Bictor, I love you..." followed by a big hug

- While coloring: "Hey Bictor...I love you"

- As I put on his movie again he says it, followed by the other two saying it...leading to a group hug...

He's definitely said it at least 6 times...

He came up again and said it which prompted Owen to say "I love you too Victor"

Summer goes "I dont!"

Ethan looks at me and goes "Summa's not gonna get a movie next time"

I laugh and ask him if the only reason he's telling me he loves me is so I give him stuff...

He looks up, shines his megawatt smile and says "yeaaaaa...." and then hugs my leg...

He's going to do JUST FINE with the ladies when he's older...

Update: He said it again...and then Owen said it...followed by Owen asking if we could have another group hug...

Fact: My job kills yours.

Day 33 - Tattle tattle

If this office were the ghetto Owen and Ethan would have shot Summer by now...Because she cannot stop being a snitch...

There have been at least 6-7 instances today where I've had to tell her not to tattle tale (tail?) on her siblings for things that don't matter...

I might need to rent her the Carmelo Anthony endorsed "Stop Snitching" video...

Day 33 - Ehhhh

I wanted to spice some things up so I asked the kids to try and draw me...

Turns out they weren't really feeling that because nothing they drew resembled a human...

So instead, we went to Blockbuster where once again I had a late fee...Dang.

Everyone picked their movie...Summer chose hers based on which Barbie looked the prettiest...

I have got to figure out something...I wish they were just a little bit older so we could go roller skating or something fun for all of us...I would chicken dance the hell out of this afternoon.

Day 33 - The Official NCAA Tournament Office Pool Winner

WOW...

This got way closer than I expected and you guys who voted were pretty spot on...

I beat Summer by 1 point.

Seriously.

Let me repeat that for extra effect: A 25 year old male beat a 3 year old female in an NCAA pool by 1 point.

To be honest, I don't feel good about it because she is the ONLY one of us to have picked the right team to win...

As I said from the get go scoring went like this:

First Round = 1 point for every correct pick

Second Round = 2 points

Sweet Sixteen - 5 points

Elite Eight - 10 points

Final Four - 15 points

Championship - 20 points

So, despite the fact Summer was able to correctly choose UNC as the National Champion I got a leg up on her by correctly picking 5 to her 4 in the Sweet Sixteen...

Final Tally -

Bictor: 109 points

Summer: 108 points

Ethan: 72 points

Owen: 51 points

Couple things:

- Ethan was rolling through the first two rounds and then he got derailed...but I'm still blown away by the fact he nailed 14 of the teams who made the Sweet Sixteen...Very impressive.

- One day in the future, Owen is going to be unbelievably ashamed of his performance in his first NCAA pool...

What did I learn? That girls ALWAYS do well because they have no idea what they are doing by and large...its ridiculous.

That being said, I'm still taking them to get a prize today...least I can do...

And yes...I will be wearing this when we go...

Day 33 - How Come Noone Ever Told Me Medicine Works??

I feel like Ted DiBiase right now...

Apparently, I have (had?) an upper respiratory infection so they decided to fight it with antibiotics and codeine cough syrup...

I'm amazed at how quickly they worked because I feel amazing...

Anyway, I'm here and the kids were fairly happy to see me. They had a great day with Grandma yesterday so all is well...

Summer has been walking around with these Incredible Hulk soft foam hands that make noise when you hit stuff...which is killing me.

The boys are watching TV and waiting for me to finish drawing them some pictures.

Let's hope for some fun stuff today...

Day 32 - Saved By The Grandma

Thank whoever you want - God, Allah, Marvin Gaye etc - for my aunt, because I'm thanking them all right now...

A week ago, this saint of a woman had her appendix removed...Or, if you ask Summer, she had her "pennies" taken out...

Today, she came to my rescue to watch the kids...Now, I can go get in my bed and sweat profusely as my body shivers from being so cold...

Seriously though, this is why I don't ski: I have a fundamental issue with being cold and sweating...Well, that coupled with the fact I suck at skiing.

Have a good day folks...

Day 32 - Just So You Know

Posts will be few and far between today...I feel like absolute crap...Pretty sure I have, at the very least, bronchitis...

Sorry folks...you'll be OK.

Day 31 - The Stand In

Because my sister was off work today - and because it was raining at the time - I called her to see if she would come hangout with Summer & Owen while I went to pick Ethan up from his doctors appointment.

However, to spice things up I decided to tell the kids we had forgotten to get Ethan...and that we couldn't get him back until Monday...

All hell broke loose.

Owen had a "Holy crap...OK let's figure this out" approach.

Summer went nuts and kept yelling "We gotta get him!"

Then Tica came in and I revealed the joke...

Fast Forward a bit and I pick up Ethan...Tawanda asks if I was taking a nap because I'm 7 minutes past 12...

Hilarious joke Tawanda. No, seriously I'm still laughing.

We get in the car before Ethan realizes the other two aren't with me...at which point he asks...and I act incredulous as I "realize" I left Summer & Owen at the house...

He's pretty calm but concerned and keeps asking different questions:

"H-H-H-Hey Bictor...did you close the doors?"

"OHHH man no I forgot...I left EVERY door open!"

"OH NO!"

I don't feel like this response is passionate enough so I start really selling the idea that Summer & Owen may have been abducted...

(And if you think this makes me a bad person...Sorry, deal with it...It's all in good fun)

So now I'm pushing how its highly likely the other two are gone...I'm asking him what he and his mom & dad will do now...Whether he'll move into a different room and play with their toys...Basically, anything to make him think

"Holy crap I might be living alone"

He's buying all of it...And then he drops the golden nugget:

"DAMNIT BICTOR!" as he slaps his knee.

I tried to be tough and tell him not to say that word...but I held it together like Jimmy Fallon used to do on SNL...so in other words I was laughing the whole time...

I don't know where he heard the word or how he knew when it was appropriate to use it...but the thought of his brother and sister being abducted led him to react like a grown man...

Fantastic stuff...

Day 31 - How Come I Never Knew This

Owen and Summer are nuts right now...They're fired up...

I'm blaming the syrup from their waffles this morning or that coffee I gave them...

Jokes...

I would never give them syrup OR waffles for that matter.

Day 31 - Pants Are Crazy

For some reason or another Summer is in love with the fact she has on a dress without pants...

This concept has completely boggled her mind...She keeps walking around commenting on the fact she has on no pants and earlier I had to ask her to stop touching her you-know-what area...In reality, she was just touching her underwear but I don't get the fascination...

At least when a guy has his hands down there its usually for relocation purposes...

Day 31 - Gahlee it's loud in here...

Not even going to try and lie right now: I'm hungover as hell...So very quickly, before you wolves start texting me letting me know I haven't posted quickly enough for your taste, 3 anecdotes from the morning...

1) I went and laid on the couch next to Owen...

"Hey Bictor...What's wrong?"

"I'm tired..."

"Did you not get enough to sleep?"

"No buddy, I didn't...I also have a hangover"

"What's a hangova?"

"I drank too much beer"

"Drank too much beer-uh? Silly bictor..."

2) 5 Minutes Later: Summer sprints into the room, rolls on the ground, goes spread eagle and screams

"Biiiiictaaaaaaa LOOOOOK I'm wayin undawayer!"

This isn't a shocker. She always does. I don't know what prompted this...I didn't know what to say other than "Let's not do that again yeah?"

3) All 3 coworkers are in the living room running around shouting

"We want ta move it move it...we want ta MOVE IT!"

There's a good chance my head explodes today.

Day 30 - Daylon Trotman

I realize this post has NOTHING to do with Ethan, Owen or Summer but if this kid's mom needs a future Nanny I'm 100% down for the challenge...

Day 30 - Krazy Bread

Once we got inside of Little Caesars, I felt a tug at the bottom of my sweatshirt and looked down to find Summer standing there...

"Hey Bictor...come here"

So I drop down to her level at which point she jabs her index finger in my face and says, without a trace of sweet in her:

"DON'T fuhget tha Kwazy Bwead Bictor..."

As if!

She proceeded to say it 2 more times before we left the store...all with the added emphasis only an index finger can provide.

Day 30 - Payback Sucks

So, after I dropped that April Fools joke on you, Karma paid me a little visit in the form of my sisters dog defecating on the floor...So while the kids were at school I went home to shower and got WAY more than I bargained for.

Regardless, I wasn't about to take this out on the kids - That's not how I roll...

After I grabbed the kids from school and watched Ethan mouth kiss his teacher not once, not twice, but three times (buckling her knees) we took off...

I decided - on a whim - to take the kids to Blockbuster and, because I'm a lazy individual with a horrible diet, I figured we'd grab some Little Caesar's to take home...

Blockbusters pretty much went as planned. Summer picked a new movie every time we moved into a new section of movies...Owen tried to grab one of those Anime movies that Japanese teenagers and creepy old guys are into...I tried to convince him it wasn't what he thought it was...

"Yeah, but Victor I want this one"
"Yeah, but its in Chinese"
"(Chuckles) Chinese is food Victor"

Regardless, it became a moot point when he found the X-Men evolution section...Both he and Ethan decided on a different X-Men flick so we have one about Wolverine and another one about I don't even know what...I hope it's about Jean Grey because everyone else has a cool name (Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, etc) and then there's poor Jean Grey...I keep wondering if her real name is something so outrageously cool that Professor X flipped the script on her just to keep her ego in check...

Anyways, while there each of them is always looking for an angle...Summer had probably the best attempt at scoring two movies yet...

She comes up to me and this is the conversation that followed:

"B-B-Bictor...Hey Bictor...Are you gonna get a movie?"
"Uhh maybe I haven't decided..."
"Well, B-B-Bictor...I tink you should get dis one"

At that moment she hands me Thumbelina...

"Ahhh yeah Im going to pass on that movie but thanks smelly"

Day 30 - OH BY THE WAY...

I feel bad doing this...I really do...but it was the CEO's idea (to his credit and in my defense)

APRIL FOOLS (YESTERDAY...)

I was NOT detained by police...There was no trip to the mall...and there certainly was no lady accusing me of engaging in pedophilia...But even if all of that had happened, the cops still wouldn't have caught me because I would have picked the kids up and ran...

Please...there's a reason I wear Reeboks...

Day 29 - Are You EFFING kidding me?

So, as some of you more astute readers may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Three hours if we're being exact...

I have a perfectly good reason for this.

As for the past 2 hours I was in the process of being detained by the Henrico PD...

Now, in their defense, they were doing their job and promptly weighed the available facts and made the appropriate call...However, some people in this world are insane. Like, way past crazy insane.

So, seeing as how today had been a fairly boring day, myself and the kids were a bit restless...Thankfully, there is a nice shopping mall nearby which I decided could make provide a decent afternoon's worth of entertainment/child abduction prevention practice.

After a while of playing that resulted in nothing interesting to note, I decided it was time to go...The coworkers apparently did not agree.

Naturally, they took a stand as a unit and proceeded to strike against management.

Now, I understand that to the untrained eye seeing a 25 year old guy standing 2 feet away from 3 little kids gesturing to them to get over to him and pleading with them you may also wonder what was going on...

However, the average person would probably be logical and not immediately assume I was a pedophile and cause a scene...

Right?

WRONG. Well, unless you're me in which case - awkward.

So after having this woman throw a fit, having mall cops approach me, have them approach the kids, have them separate us - freaking the kids out - and then talking to me long enough for the Henrico PD to show up...

All in all, it was the most ridiculous f*cking experience of my life.

Luckily, we're all home and I'm not in jail getting abused like, well, a pedophile should get abused...

Guess what: We're upping that order of 2 chocolate milks and 1 strawberry to 3 chocolate milks and a strawberry...I need to calm the nerves down...

Day 29 - Picking Up The Boys

Summer crashed on the ride to school. I always love when this happens because her head and neck just swing to and fro depending on the ride...

Along the way I decided I had to switch things up so I looked for a CD I thought the kids would get into...it came down to Rick James Greatest Hits or Vampire Weekend...

I went with Vampire Weekend after virtually flipping a coin.

Luckily, there were zero complaints...then I looked back and noticed both Ethan and Owen were out cold...

Summer put her hands up and shrugged like Michael Jordan did in the 1992 Finals against Portland...



Anyway, once we got home Ethan laughed at himself for falling asleep...and for some unknown reason Owen was really defensive going so far as to say he had his eyes open - while snoring.

Really buddy?

Lunch Today: Tyson's Chicken Nuggets

Day 29 - So Mad I Missed It

Summer just told me that last night she went to the bathroom before bed and fell in the toilet...

I would have paid so much money to see that happen...As it stands, whenever she goes to the bathroom I'm half waiting for her to call me in to help pick her up from the water...

AH, to be small...

Day 29 - Kookaburra

Yesterday afternoon, in a moment of boredom, I started chasing the kids pretending I was a monster...

At the time, the only name that popped up was "Kookaburra"...so for some reason or another I named my "monster self" after the Kookaburra wings at any Outback Steakhouse location...

I will say it was well worth it because this morning the kids are walking around chanting Kookaburra and its cracking me up...

It's Summer's Day where only the boys go to school...

Cross your fingers that the pretty mom from yesterday who I saw at drop-off and pick-up is there...

AND WE'RE OFF

Day 28 - The Naps

Not only has Summer been taking insanely long naps that are almost epic in nature...she's also been really great in the mornings for a couple weeks now...

Since she's been out for the last 3 hours I was thinking about what the possible cause can be...and I'm convinced she might be drinking in the middle of the night...

I'm not pointing fingers...but I think she's hooked on Robitussin...

(Just Kidding. Of course...You never know when someone will stumble upon this and believe a nanny thinks the 3 year old girl he watches has a drug problem...)

Day 28 - Sassy McSass

Any kid can have moments where they can be a diva like a Mariah Carey, Paula Abdul or Abe Vigoda...Summer, although adorably sweet, has moments where she can be really demanding. Usually about something that isn't a big deal...

For instance - not to steal a line from Varsity Blues here but - I'm only one man. How the CFO handled this for years is beyond me...though I suppose for a couple of those years the kids didn't talk back or try and negotiate with her...they just ate whatever she gave them and sat there...So that was probably nice...minus them being babies and her having to change diapers and let them puke on her shoulder multiple times a day...

But I have the mini adult versions that understand things that work for them (like when snack time is or that I seem to get them movies weekly) yet failing to understand the things that help me (like, say, the concept of patience)...

I'm making lunch...some days are easier because they all join forces for a heaping helping of Mac & Cheese...but today they came at me from different angles which resulted in me running all over trying to get their food cooked, their drinks made, plates set, side item chosen, and them to sit down...

Finally, I put Ethan & Summer's oodles of noodles into a bowl, cut them up as they like, ask whether they want a fork or spoon (forks), deliver them to E&S before running back to make sure I didn't burn Owen's grilled Ham & Cheese...all the while trying to make E&S their chocolate/Strawberry milks...and once I finish Owen has chugged his remaining ChocMilk...so now I have to go make him one and in the process I haven't been able to get Summer and Ethan their Cheetos...

At this point, Summer chimes in with her whiny, sassy voice to ask me where her "effing" Cheetos are...

Just kidding. She didn't say "effing."

Anyway, rather than step on the Cheetos in front of her...I explain that I'm only one person and that I only have 2 arms so they need to be patient when they see me doing other stuff...

To which Owen decides to jump in the ring:

"Yeah Summa...he's not an octopus"

BOOM!

Owen got a high five for that...and Summer got her Cheetos...

Day 28 - Big Joke

As soon as we got home from school, just for shits & giggles, I got out of the car without saying a word and walked towards the door...Leaving the coworkers inside of my car, locked into their car seats.

Now, let's be clear - I didn't forget them...I just wanted to freak them out for a second and see the resulting looks on their tiny faces...

When I turned and looked at them Ethan smiled, Owen looked confused, and Summer looked like she just realized someone had tricked her into eating dog poop.

Success!

As soon as we got inside Summer ran as fast as possible to put on her high heels...it sounds like there's a Clydesdale in the kitchen with me...

Day 28 - Boring

I'm not going to lie...My coworkers and I have been really boring as of late...I know...I'm OK with it.

And I don't mean that in a bad way...It just seems like lately when we jump in the car to carpool to work there are no crazy conversations...No one is talking about cutting their own head off to demonstrate how blood works...There is NOTHING going on...

They pretty much get in, put their feet up and ask for Garrett...and once I provide them that they just drop into comas.

It's quite remarkable really.

Regardless, I guess the highlights of my morning were:

1) Ethan & Owens Christmas list which consisted of every possible X-men character. And yes, they know its not even April yet...they don't care...They just want a piece of paper that has 18 names on it...

2) For whatever reason, Summer walking around in clear plastic Snow White high heels cracks me up...She looks like Shauna Sand...This happens daily but it makes me laugh at 8:15 AM...

3) Seeing my first really really attractive mom at their school...Finally! Took you long enough lady...

And now, I'm going to go make a CD of Garrett's band Gill for the CEO & CFO since Ethan's been bugging me to give them one ever since I casually mentioned doing so...I guess he would like to listen to Gare-wet anytime he gets in a car...

Day 27 - Slow Day

I wish I had more to report but I really don't...

The boys went outside for a bit while Summer napped...

We cleaned up the living room...I drew them a picture...

However, there is one thing I want to say: I hope all this chocolate (or strawberry) milk doesn't do their bodies bad...

I figure the milk is good for them and the chocolate syrup can't be THAT bad...plus, their teeth are going to fall out no matter what so who cares how much those rot...

I mean, unless someone knows of a study I haven't run into then I'm not going to cut back their consumption...but I'm opening it to discussion provided someone has results that conflict with my current mindset...

Day 27 - Rubble

For the last hour or so we've been wrestling around on pillows and sofa cushions...they had me buried for a good 30 minutes where the game involved me just trying to get up.

At one point I kind of tweaked my back so I milked it and bought myself time to just lay there by telling them I needed surgery...While I didn't pay attention to their method of surgery I assumed it was no big deal.

I just went to the bathroom and apparently they were using an ink pen to administer shots because I have blue dots all over my face and arms...

Day 27 - The. Best. Ever.

Unfortunately, I don't have my camera with me because if I did I would be showing you a picture of my greatest fort creation ever.

Ever.

I'm so proud of this thing I'm tempted to kick the kids out so I can hangout in it...Not a joke.

[UPDATE: Those heartless runts tore it down...]

Day 27 - Make Up Your Mind!

Ethan came up to me complaining how the show he asked me to put on wasn't the episode he wanted...

This overlooks the fact he wasn't even watching it and just told me that once I made him a chocolate milk he was going upstairs to play...

So he's over here complaining and I wait till his rant is done before I remind him of his plan to play upstairs but offer to find a new epsiode On Demand...

"Ohhhhhhh yea...oowwwwwight...I'll watch later Bictor...Wite now I'm goin to go play upstairs...OoooK?"

Day 27 - The Morning

I told Summer how I made myself a t-shirt with Cinderella's picture on it...

[I left out how said t-shirt was for a beer pong tournament in which my (non sexual) partner Matt and I drew a low seed...We had a vision that we would spit in the face of our seed and emerge from the tournament victorious with people hailing our team as THE Cinderella team of the tourney.

Hence the t-shirt...

Unfortunately, we lost in the first round...which then forced the two of us to walk around a party for the next 5 hours wearing purple shirts with Cinderella on it...No big deal.]

Anyway, I told Summer and her reaction was like every other girl we saw at the party:

She stared at me blankly before walking away without saying a word.

Day 26 - This Job Is Awesome

I love this.

For the last 10 minutes I had the kids alternating on giving me a head scratch under the guise of competition...

Ethan started on his own while we watched X-Men but then I threw down the gauntlet and the others obliged...

In the end, I announced that they all were equal. Everyone wins!

But seriously, try to get the 3 people surrounding your cubicle to come over and scratch your head...I dare you...

Day 26 - Focus On Your Food

I don't know what is going on today with the crying...but it's been way to prevalent...

Actually, it's only been Ethan and even the CEO wondered aloud this morning whether or not Ethan was just going to have a bad day...

Now, he hasn't been bad by any means...just extra sensitive and prone to meltdowns.

For example, lately I've found I need to be more attentive while they eat just to make sure they eat and don't, say, crush up all their goldfish crackers...

They are not fans of cold Mac & Cheese even though I have explained the quicker they eat their food (thereby cutting back on messing around) the warmer every bite will be. This lesson has yet to sink in.

So Ethan was not happy that I made him take two bites of lukewarm Mac & Cheese before I let him get up from his lunch...but I can't have these kids starving in 20 minutes because they wanted to look out the window at lunch time...

I keep hoping the "focus on your food" message will get through to them...

Day 26 - The Drink

While preparing a delicious Mac & Cheese lunch for the kids, I decided to treat myself to a Diet Dr. Pepper (which actually does taste a lot like regular Dr. Pepper)...

The kids came in to see how things were going and Owen brought over this green step stool they have...which put him nose level with my drink...prompting this exchange:

"Uhhhh Victuh...Did you know your drink smells kind of good?"

"It does?"

"Uhhh yeaaah..."

"Real good or kind of good?"

"Uhhh....real good"

So there's the plug for Diet Dr. Pepper.

Hook. Us. Up...

Day 26 - I'm Still Here-uh

Ethan was in the bathroom for quite some time working on something...finally he called out to let me know he was done.

Jokingly, I told him he was in there so long I thought he had fallen in...

"Yeah, no I didn't fall in Bictor! I'm still here-uh"

On a related note, we're watching E.T. and Summer decided she had something to tell me about the tent and how it's going to turn into a baby. I have absolutely NO idea what she was talking about but I'll be damned if I didn't smile and say "cooooool."

Day 26 - The One Thing I Don't Understand

I just don't get the crying thing...

I would suppose this comes from being an adult and having the mentality that unless it's a serious injury you don't cry...but I don't recall ever being a big cry guy.

Now, I'm not tough by any means. I will watch the movie Love, Actually a hundred times...but I just don't really ever get around to crying.

These kids will breakdown if they rip a coloring picture, if I don't draw a picture exactly as they wanted, or if something is broken...It's remarkable really.

Summer just came down bawling because her maraca broke...after she banged it against another maraca...

But as I'm trying to explain to her how a maraca filled with rocks isn't worth the tears she was spilling, I had Ethan over my shoulder walking around with a musical triangle just clang-clang-clanging away like it was dinner time...

Then Owen comes down with more maracas to save the day...

Needless to say - I sent them upstairs for music hour.

Day 26 - CEO

The CEO just made my morning...

Ethan, when fired up, has a tendency to talk in this crazy voice that seems to come from the depths of his throat in a real raspy way...Usually, if you tell him to talk in his regular voice he gets it together and checks the crazy voice at the door...

About 2 minutes ago he was clamoring for an episode of the X-Men cartoon...and broke out the crazy voice on the CEO...

All of the sudden I hear the CEO go

"Galalalalalalalabahahallala why are you talking like that??"

Ethan immediately stopped and went back to his normal voice...

Fantastic.

Day 25 - What the hell?

That was crazy.

As we were sitting around coloring Owen jumped up and raced off saying he had to pee.

Nothing weird there.

Then, as he's in the bathroom, I hear him start screaming at the top of his lungs:

"Ahhh. Ahhh. Ahhh. I'm peeing!!!! AHHHH I'M PEEEEEEING!!!!"

By the time I open the bathroom door the floor is soaked and Owen is still pissing all over the place.

He's literally just going side to side like a sprinkler or fire hose, spraying down every corner of the bathroom, still screaming (only he added crying to the mix)...

Naturally, my initial reaction is surprise + confusion as I say:

"Owen! What are you doing?!?"

I push him towards the toilet where the final few drops safely land...leaving only 95% of his bladders most recent contents on almost every surface of the bathroom minus the sink and mirror...

I half expected him to raise his arms triumphantly, laugh at me, and scream "TAAADDDAAA!"

But he didn't because this episode apparently freaked him out.

Turns out, he was in the process of trying to get his pants off before his briefs got tangled up with his jeans, essentially handcuffing his thighs together and blocking his geronimo from a clear shot.

The surge of urine and the knowledge that he was peeing all over himself probably contributed to the screaming...

I'm not sure why he cried...Unless he thought I was about to beat him for that...but what guy hasn't accidentally peed on himself?

Granted, most of us were drunk but still...I'd rather pee on myself than the other alternatives...

Day 25 - Role Playing

Owen is 100% focused on Meet The Robinsons and hasn't moved or spoken in an hour or so...

Summer & Ethan are running around with blankets around their backs (which I refer to as "fake capes") and screaming the following:

"The power of WUHL-VER-INE"

"and da powa of Stor-orm!"

Day 25 - Thanks Blockbuster

This is the SECOND time I've rented the kids a movie and it doesn't work...

Does Blockbuster not check their product?

AHHHHH

Day 25 - The Movies

They were a bit iffy on my whole "one for all, all for one" approach to movie renting...Especially the part about no one getting their own movie. This really confused them...

That being said, they each took a movie and inspected it while they listened to gare-wet...they heard a song with harmonicas and got pretty fired up about that...

Until I changed it. Summer was not impressed...

"Bad bad bad bictor...you're bad bictor"

Day 25 - OT

I put in a little overtime last night and went to Blockbuster to rent some movies for the Coworkers...

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this already but they have all entered a youth soccer league where, for some unknown reason, teams consist of 3 kids...As such, they are all on one team...a superpower if you will.

The CEO is coaching. I find this hilarious because I know for a fact the CEO nor myself (or anyone else in our family for that matter) has ever played competitive soccer. We're more sports fans than athletes...Sure, I did play JV basketball in high school but that was mainly for the free equipment - I'm a big fan of basketball shorts. True story.

So anyway, since they're on one unit I decided rather than purchase 3 different movies for each I picked 3 movies we could watch as a team.

I'm trying to boost team chemistry and I'm pretty sure I once read that the Brazilian national team does the same thing...So I picked up The Incredibles, Meet The Robinsons, and An Extremely Goofy Movie...

I'm especially curious about An Extremely Goofy Movie since the plot sounds very VERY similar to that of the Rodney Dangerfield classic Back to School...

Now, not to go all Levar Burton on you but don't take my word for it, read the movie descriptions I got off the internet:

Exhibit A -

Join [name removed] and his son in a hip and hilarious movie that kicks up outrageous fun on the road to higher education. It's a life of freedom as [Son] sets off for college -- but [Dad] misses [Son] so much he literally falls down on the job. The laughs come fast and furious as he shows up, leisure suit and all, to finish college alongside his son and his friends. When [Dad] meets the librarian, they hit if off and spark a stuck-in-the-seventies relationship that steals the show. But as [Dad] tries to get closer to [Son], both must learn how to live their own lives ... together!

Exhibit B -

Higher education will never be the same when the maniac takes on the brainiacs! [Dad's] son is a college misfit, so [Dad's] lending some fatherly support...by enrolling as a fellow freshman! Who cares if he never finished high school? His pockets are deep enough to buy a ticket to class...But when he ticks off his professor by stealing his girlfriend, Dad takes things just a little too far. Now, he'll have to hit the books or go back to being a dropout!

See what I mean?

Either way, I think the kids will be pretty happy with my choices...

Day 24 - Copycat

So, while Summer naps and Ethan & Owen watch "102 Dalamations" (their words), I sat down to answer a few emails and possibly do a little research work for a freelance article...

Around that time Owen bounced off the couch and ran into the kitchen/play area...

A few minutes later he comes back with some mini kid computer, sat down next to me and says

"hey...look Victor...I'm doin work too...Just like you!"

This kid kills me sometimes.

Day 24 - Hmmm

Apparently, Miss Casey gave the boys a Backyardigans Pablo picture...

Here's hoping this preferential treatment doesn't somehow lead to a jealous band of thugs inflicting punishment on Ethan and Owen on the playground...

The last thing I need is one of them getting a Blow Pop stick to the gut.

Day 24 - The Trip To School

Only two stories to report today.

The first:

Luckily, I got off to a good start this morning by showering. I followed this up by dressing semi-decently but not shaving...just because I can get away with that.

Although I love Garrett's music as much as, well, Garrett sometimes I can't do it...so this morning I did the old "I can't find it folks...sorry" and played the mix CD I made myself yesterday...They dealt with it...However, I now know Ethan does not care for an electronic drum beat nearly as much as he likes the sound of real drums...

So once we get to school everyone is pretty reserved including yours truly.

As I'm getting the kids out of the car I notice a friendly looking woman approaching us with that "eff it I'm going to say something" look on her face...

"Victor? Hi...I'm Casey - I'm Ethan & Owen's teacher..."

At this point my mind starts racing about what this could entail...Did the kids do something crazy at school? Did someone hit a kid yesterday?

Then I remember they didn't even go to school yesterday...so instead of being defensive and getting Eddie Murphy "Raw" on her, I become curious and let her finish her sentence...

"...I just wanted to let you know I really like the blog."

Appppppparently, the CFO sent it to the school...Thankfully, I've never said anything bad about the school. Casey even had a favorite part of the blog...

So that was really nice of her. Thanks Casey! Now don't go beating the boys at school! Just kidding, she seemed like a time-out kind of disciplinarian.

For the record: I hope the CFO never sends this to the kids doctor...because I've had some choice words for that guy...

And the second story:

Driving home alone with Summer, she barely waits for us to hit the main road before she asks if she and I can go somewhere...

I laugh.

She follows that up with this gem:

"And and Bictor...if you hab any money you can buy sometin"

In the age old "Nature v. Nurture Battle" I used to be a Nurture guy...I'm starting to become a Nature guy simply because Summer is a classic lady.

I tell her we'll see...too bad Blockbuster is closed. We end up at 7-11 where she gets an Oreo cakester...which looked disgusting. Then again, I bought a Supreme Omelet Taquito so who am I to judge?

As we head to the house, I'm still pushing the mix CD...On it is a Kanye West song called "RoboCop" and at the 2:52 mark it breaks down into strings and Kanye sings:

"You spoiled little L.A. girl...you're just an L.A. girl"

This apparently didn't sound like that to Summer who makes the following comment:

"Bictor, he said 'little lego girl' - dats silly"

Sadly, she has no idea how silly Kanye West really is...

Day 23 - "Liability Reasons"

So the office is looking into getting some new windows. As such, a contractor came by to take some measurements to provide the CEO & CFO an estimate.

I let him in and first apologize for the mess. Which immediately makes me feel like my mom.

After I kicked Owen's soccer ball to confirm my manliness, I explained that Summer's room was off limits because I just put her down. I was thinking he would be fine to go around on his own.

I was wrong. He asked me to escort him around the house for "liability reasons."

Because the measurements are on him, he wasn't willing to assume the windows in the boy's bedroom were the same size as in Summer's room. To prevent a return trip I threw caution to the wind and took him into Summer's room.

He promised to be quiet.

He rattled his tape measure like he was playing a Xylophone.

Luckily for him, she didn't wake up.

Back to watching Underdog and coloring with the boys...

Day 23 - The First Song

While Ethan took a little break to go color Summer & Owen decided to write a song using their harmonicas.

They both blow on their instrument 3 or 4 times and Owen says "I love basketball" and then Summer repeats him...

I think if I hadn't just gotten home from 5 days in Vegas I would be enjoying this moment a lot more than I currently am.

Day 23 - AHHHHHarmonica

The office sounds like a hobo filled bus station...hobos with harmonicas and sad tales...I need someone to teach these kids how to play something other than, well, nothing...

Any takers?

Day 23 - Did You Miss Me?

I asked all 3 of my coworkers that question at different times...

Owen dropped a fairly nonchalant "yeah" on me and that was that...But he's always pretty reserved in the emotional department.

Ethan threw his arms around my neck and squeezed his head up against mine as he said "yea I missed you a lot..." which was pretty nice of him.

Summer gave me a flat "No" and then proceeded to blow her harmonica loudly in my face.

The lesson as always: women are cold, cold creatures...

Day 23 - NCAA Bracket Update

First Round Scores:

Ethan - 24 points (24 of 32 games picked correctly)

Summer -24 points (24 of 32)

Owen - 23 points (23 of 32)

Mr Nanny - 21 points (so embarrassed)

Second Round Scores:

Ethan - 28 points (14 of 16)

Mr Nanny - 28 points (OK, this is more like it)

Summer - 24 points (12 of 16)

Owen - 18 (9 of 16...He went a little crazy with the upsets...Say this about him: Owen is not afraid of a little risk)

Standings:

Ethan - 52 points

Mr Nanny - 49 points

Summer - 48 points

Owen - 41 points

Day 23 - Mr Nanny Correction

A nice reader from the District of Columbia has emailed me to explain how cousin's and family trees work.

Apparently, I'm an idiot and called the kids my second cousins when this was not true. According to DC Rose my coworkers are my first cousins once removed...So that's good...

Second cousins sounds so impersonal.

Day 23 - No School

I'm putting my foot down and won't be taking the kids to school today.

Just kidding.

Being that I've been gone there was some confusion and the car seats were accidentally left in CFO's van.

So, since I'm not trying to decapitate anyone in my car, we're going to hang tough.

Day 23 - The Return of Mr Nanny

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK

That was my first thought when I woke up this morning. This thought was followed by my realizing I'm also still incredibly tired.

Note to self: 3.5 days in Vegas is more than enough time to cause irreversible harm to your body.

I've got to admit: I'm thrilled to be back here with the kids. Now, I can't speak for my friends, but I'm pretty sure I was the only one OK with the idea of going back to work. Then again, I'm allowed to go to work without showering or shaving.

However, I really thought I'd walk into a little more excitement than I encountered. This morning my co workers we're pretty much 100% unimpressed that I'm back. Actually, Summer seemed most happy which was surprising.

Upon my return, there was a package waiting addressed to the co workers - A nondescript white padded envelope.

Being that I didn't see a return address there was a 50/50 chance someone mailed us Anthrax (the chemical not the band) or perhaps a mail bomb...And sure, I would be lying through my teeth if there wasn't a part of me hoping it was from some lonely, attractive female inmate looking for a pen pal.

So I open it.

Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your perspective) the contents of said package were not for me...Unless by "for me" you mean "something that will make lots of noise and potentially cause Mr Nanny to involuntarily beat his own head in with a frying pan."

If the latter is your definition of "for me" then, in that case, this package was absolutely for me.

Of course, I'm kidding. This was actually a fantastic move. Upon opening it I realize one of the faithful readers of this site made an effort to surprise the kids...and boy did she.

At this point, Cindy Smith of Nags Head, North Carolina - thank you!

And for all of you readers who fancy yourselves big fans of the blog and, more importantly, the kids...CINDY GOT THEM FRIGGIN HARMONICAS!!!!!!!

So my message to all of you "Mannyiacs": Step. Your. Game. Up.

As I type this, there is a nonstop assault of harmonica sounds coming from every corner. Furthermore, those of you who have been keeping up for some time now will not be surprised to learn that Ethan is ROCKING the Harmonica. Summer is salivating all over it like its a Kit Kat and Owen is trying to get his bearings but Ethan is rolling.

Remember my post the other day about being able to see some of a kids future? Well, I can see Owen being a strong athlete with a real sarcastic sense of humor and now I'm pretty sure Ethan will end up - based on his people skills and love affair with music - being a class clown/musician...and I guess that makes Summer a heart breaker because she's quite the flirt.

But, either way, the kids are ecstatic right now so thank you again Cindy. I'm going to go light a candle, try and mold the wax to fit my ears and enjoy my day.

Your friend,

Mr Nanny

Day 22 - The End of Week 5

Folks,

I'm off to Vegas tomorrow...Enjoy your week.

If you get bored, keep up with our brackets...This should work for keeping score:

1 Point for First Round

2 Points for Second Round

5 Points for Third Round

10 Points for Fourth Round

15 Points for Fifth Round

20 Points for Final Game

Day 22 - The Mall Play Ground

Once again, I apologize for the lack of posting...I've decided that the theme for this week is "quality over quantity" being that I won't be posting after today anyways...

So, since I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow, I felt like I owed the kids something fun today...

On the way home from school, I decided we were going to swing by a local mall and have some lunch. Then, after a delicious & nutritious meal, we would head over to the play area and get crazy.

Naturally, none of this went exactly as I planned. I will now list what I remember...

1) We decided to order from a fast food establishment popular in the Southern U.S. known for their original chicken sandwich and manners...Not to mention, commercials featuring wacky cows who wear parachutes and suggest we eat more chicken.

Now, when I say we decided I mean I had to tell Ethan they didn't have cheese pizza anywhere since Owen & Summer wanted chicken. A slice of pizza at this place - whose name starts with "S" and ends in "Barro" - would have been too big...Plus when he heard everyone else was getting nuggets he was sold.

Troublesome Situation Avoided. Wipe the brow.

At this point, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that this place - Chick-Fil-A - gave the kids a CD-Rom as the toy in their kids meal.

Yeah.

Great.

Fantastic thinking folks...Chick-Fil-A needs a Josh Baskin on the quick.

2) After we got our food and had a lady recognize us from the hair salon on Friday, we ambled off to find our seat. Since I let the kids pick we ended up off in this odd side room...Which, at the time, I didn't realize was filled with an entire group of mentally challenged people. Which led to a lot of staring and a few questions (and a couple weird noises) and a whole lot of me telling the kids to eat...

Awkward. Not Cool. I'll pick the table from here on out.

3) Finally, once we all finished our lunch and wiped the Polynesian sauce off our elbows, cheeks, and armpits...We made a break for the play area...which, upon closer inspection, appeared to consist of random objects (Weights/Ladybugs/Turtle,/Stopwatch/etc) made of hard plastic...

Immediately, I feel like the kids are too big...Plus they have to take their shoes off...which just seems like trouble...

And then I see the mini-rides...In a flash, I'm exchanging dollar bills for quarters and have all 3 kids in the ride of their choice (Owen in a Fire Truck, Ethan in a NASCAR, and Summer in a pink and purple bus)...

This works for a bit...But it's not enough so I give in...We head into the play area.

4) This play area was like downtown Baghdad. It is the personification of complete and utter chaos. I have never in my life NOT been able to hear myself think...It was borderline terrifying.

By the way, just so I can throw it out there, it's incredible how much you can tell about a person by their personality as a kid. I was watching some of these kids just predicting futures...

You could tell which kids we're punks, which would wind up being class clowns, who would end up an alcoholic, who was athletic...There was this one little black kid who looked like a miniature Arsenio Hall and he was flying all over the place. No one could catch this kid. At this point, I should be clear that I'm not trying to make some racially based joke, I'm just trying to paint the picture for you...

(But seriously - This kid was phenomenal. I almost stole him.)

I am happy to report that Owen was the second fastest kid in the area...except for the random 10 year old whose presence prompted Owen to come up and tell me that kid was too big to be in there.

Hey, Mall Cops, thanks for telling people to take their shoes off but not Jazz-ing this giant punk...

5) I was alarmed at how many people were there...Multiple couples...Not going to lie, there was one lady who was DYNAMITE looking...I spent a little bit of time trying to catch a glimpse of her ring finger and, lo & behold, she had a Cadillac hood ornament on it...

NEXT.

There is no one else. Oh well. Time to sit there and just stare at people until we get into an unexpected (on their side) "Staring Game."

6)I don't know if I'll ever do that again with them...High stress...I looked at every straggler like a potential kidnapper.

On top of that, I REALLY wanted to trip some of those kids...Some of them were rude AND reckless. Come on parents, step it up. Keep your head up out there, put the book down and act alive.

7) I lied and said I didn't have Garrett's music today...So we listened to Kanye West's "808's & Heartbreak"...Which Ethan really liked for the drum sounds but Owen didn't care for AT ALL...So as Ethan bobbed his head to the music and Summer laughed, Owen covered his ears...

All in all, not a bad trip...just chock full of stressful situations...But we're home, we're alive...Everything is good...I hope I can say the same about my upcoming Vegas trip...

Day 22 - The Official Brackets

Sorry...I know, I know...I've been pretty lackadaisical with the posting this week...

However, at least for the time being until the day picks up, you can take a gander at our official 2009 NCAA Tournament brackets...

ETHAN



OWEN



SUMMER



BICTOR