Day 5 - The Epic Hospital Story From Yesterday

I don't even know where to start.

I'm still recovering. What I was expecting to be just a moment of our day somehow spiraled out of control and took up our whole Thursday.

[ Before I dive in any deeper I'd like to mention how I went and met the family CEO out last night (Tommy Sunshine)...He was with some of his coworkers (who are WAY older than my coworkers...) Anyways, the reason I bring this up is because a few people came up to me and commented on the blog so I just want them to feel special and warm all over today. OK now that I'm done kissing up to readers let me continue... ]

Tom came home with McDonald's - for those of you passing judgement on the diet these kids are on...Back off ok...They don't even eat the food. In the course of this week we have done McD's twice and in each instance Summer has eaten, at most, 2 of her 4 nuggets...Ethan doesn't even eat his cheeseburger...He just rips the bread off the top and eats that. Owen eats it all which explains why I noticed he's a good 3 inches taller than Ethan yesterday. Between the milk and the McDonald's he should be a giant one day.

Its around this point we all pile into the van and head to a well known Hospital in the area. No one was hurt. Ethan had an appointment. I expect this to be short.

Apparently, in the parental car, Garrett's music is not requested.

Tom and I discuss in great detail why Tracy McGrady is the softest NBA superstar currently playing.

My coworkers have passed out.

I should mention that I realize during the ride that these kids can sleep with their eyes half open. Seriously. I remember being freaked out as a kid when I would sleep over at Tom's house and he and his brother Joe would sleep with their eyes open...I would wake up and sit there thinking they were watching me. They were not. The kids do the SAME THING. It's unnerving to say the least.

So we arrive. I have found one thing to be true and I don't feel bad saying it - I do NOT like when the parents are around. The kids have these meltdowns over things they brush off when the parents have gone. Seriously, I love the parents but I cant handle this dynamic...The kids go from working with me to just hating me. It feels very emasculating - even more so than being a 25 year old male nanny.

I have decided all three kids have a future in drama if they want because each one has put on Oscar worthy performances this week.

From here on out I will try and patch together, from memory (I left my notes at home...) the events of the day.

Hour 1

- Tom turns and cuts off a group of old people walking by the hospital. One member of the pack yells at us. We laugh. Just because you're old doesn't mean you can jaywalk, sir.

- I watch a lady with no teeth walk by and a guy with long dreads and the biggest stick I have ever seen in an urban setting. Stick doesn't do this guys walking apparatus justice. It was gigantic. He is also wearing a Sean John jacket. I think I'm going to like this hospital.

- I do not like this hospital. People are piled up all over. No one is clean.

- Ethan sees a heavier old man with a robust white beard and overalls. I hear him greet this man:

"Hey Santa!"

- We ride the elevator. This is good. People join us on floor 2. The kids keep laughing as it moves. More people join on floor 3. The 5 of us are now stuffed into a corner. Ethan panics.

"How aw we gonna get outta here??"

Everyone in the elevator laughs. Ethan realizes he is the cause and soaks it up with his patented "Hello ladies..." smile...

He is now looking up to try and see the adults and sees the reflection on the elevators ceiling. He points out all the other people. More laughter. People get off and he says goodbye.

I will put money down, right now, that he will end up his high school class president.

- We reach our destination. It is an empty waiting room. I pick up a Mens Journal...from 2007. Thanks for keeping your subscriptions fresh folks...

- I am now reading "The Treasure" by Uri Shulevitz...Look, what I say now falls under the "I'm starting to realize stereotypes are established when you don't even know it"...This book was about a guy named Isaac...Who had a dream about money...So he walked through forests and over mountains to chase this dream...He reaches his destination and stakes out the area where he believes the "treasure" is...However, the area is guarded day and night...Finally one of the guards ask what he is doing lurking around and Isaac explains. The guard laughs and tells him if he followed his dreams he would go to Isaac's house and dig up his stove and find a treasure. So Isaac returns home and does this and finds the treasure.

Now, this was a nice story and the kids enjoyed it...BUT here's my gripe...

This was a book written by a Jewish guy about a Jewish guy who has a dream about money and walks cross country to find it...

Am I the ONLY one who finds this to be odd...where does this end?

Don't worry, it doesn't...because as I express my concern about the author to Tom he tells me about the kids book they got from our grandmother - who is Cuban.

This is a book about a Hispanic grandmother who visits various relatives...one works in a factory...one sells oranges...one is a maid...

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE HOW THIS COULD BE BAD? Call me crazy for thinking kids books should be idealistic and hopeful and used to crush stereotypes...

So anyways, after I remove myself from the soapbox I stumbled onto in this waiting room...

We are STILL WAITING. It has been 1 hour.

They send Tom and Ethan elsewhere. Summer is reduced to a crying, slobbering, snotty mess. She hates me right now. Meanwhile, Owen has been cool...but now he loses it.

Cool Tom thanks for making us come!!! Don't mind me, I'll hang back with these two in an empty waiting room with my old magazines. I'm positively stoked.

ONE HOUR LATER...we are still there.

I am now furious with this doctor and contemplate causing a ruckus...I change my mind as I don't want to end up in a City of Richmond jail.

Tom finally returns. Apparently, he is just as frustrated as I am. Ethan has not been seen yet.

We continue to sit and discuss how absurd this is just loud enough for the receptionists to hear us. Ladies, don't let our misery shake your Spider Solitaire concentration.

Finally, some lady comes and gets Ethan and Tom. Owen asks me why I am no longer happy. I explain that we have been inside that room for the last 2.5 hours and I want to jump out the window. Owen thinks this would be a bad idea because its a long drop and people are below.

Sarcasm will be taught next week...

Long story long, we finish up and Tom and I haul a$ out of there...Both of us just huffing and puffing. The kids are all breaking down. During the course of this ride everyone has cried. Including yours truly.

Today was the most trying day yet...

Note: If anyone at a doctors office reads this let me just say that my mom is a hairstylist (she does a lovely job if you are currently unhappy with your stylist by the way)...My mom doesn't take appointments and then go on house calls coldly making you wait in the lobby area reading the Paul Mitchell styling book from 1987. I realize doctors went to school for something like 11 years of their life but that doesn't mean you outta treat your customers like crap. Jeez. At least equip the waiting room with some decent stuff...I can only imagine prisons have better accommodations...